Five One liners

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Be Nice

Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home.

Conversations

A very old "Miss Peach" cartoon:

Sign points to children listening to Marcia "Marcia Lectures on the art of conversation".

One asks "How can I prevent my conversation from becoming dull and boring?"

Marcia answers "Stay out of them."

Making Others Happy

From "The Furrows":

"Don't overlook an opportunity to make others happy ... even if you must leave them alone to do it."

Wizard of Id Incentive

A really old one from Wizard of Id:

Cel one: the King says "Basically men like to work."

Cel two: the King adds "... however, from time to time they need some incentive." The crowd yells "Yea!!!"

Cel three: the King concludes "... so today we are hanging Sam the Sluggard."

A couple in their nineties

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

More memories of dad

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ..."

Memory of my father

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty ..."

Economic Philosophy

From the Wall Street Journal many years ago.

A man at a bar is talking to the bartender.

"Captialism is a failure, socialism is a failure, the welfare state has failed, but martinis never fail."

BC - mornings

A 1979 BC comic has BC reading the news:

Cel one = "Medical scientists today announced new findings on a possible link between caffeine and the inner ear."

Cel two = "Which could explain why you can't talk to some people in the morning till they've had their coffee."

The Dragon

A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers.

"Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp.

"No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later, he knocks again.

"Now what do you want?" the woman asks.

"Could I have a few words with George?"

I resemble that

Jim Davis in a 1979 Garlfield cartoon.

Cel one - Jon calls Garfield to breakfast and he leaps out of his bed

Cel two - Garfield lands on his head

Cel three - Garfield is holding his head and says "I did it again. I got up before I woke up."

Husbands - Don't get into this conversation

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

Leroy

Mrs. Lockhorn is at the front door. Leroy Lockhorn is in his suit crawling up the sidewalk to the door after an apparent difficult long day at the office. Mrs. Lockhorn is holding a tray with a martini already poured and ready. She says "C'mon, Leroy ... you can make it"

R J Harwell - He tried

The Wall Street Journal ran this cartoon several years ago.

The picture is a widow standing by her husband's tombstone. On it is engraved:

R. J. Harwell

Born 1914
Gave up smoking 1959
Gave up booze 1973
Gave up red meat 1983
Died anyway 1991