The Laughter Library published 1936 #378

A toastmaster drew blood when he introduced the very homely speaker.

'The next man who will address you has been accused of being two-faced. The accusation is unfounded. If he were a two-faced man, he would wear the other one.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #350

'We got a remarkable brand o' pigs down our way,' the Ozark hillbilly said. 'Razorbacks, we call 'em. One day one of 'em found three or four sticks a dynamite an' et 'em. A mean mule come along an' kicked the pig agin the barn. The dynamite went off, the barn blowed up, pieces o' the mule came down all over the country, an' windows broken in houses for ten miles around. And let me tell you, fer a coupla days we had a mighty sick pig on our hands.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #345

A cowboy who had spent his life on the range fell in love with the pretty waitress at the railroad hash house and in due course they were married. They started out on horseback for the ranch house. Four days later the cowboy reappeared in town alone.

'How are you and your wife getting along, Bill?' an acquaintance asked.

'Had a little bad luck,' Bill said. 'Two day out she broke her leg and I had to shoot her.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #330

In Washington, these days, they are telling of a visitor who, in the course of a sightseeing tour was bundled into an elevator, and whisked to the top of Washington Monument.

She looked about, bubbling ecstatically, 'Oh, this is marvelous! Why I can see all of the points of interest. There's the Capitol, the White House ... and the Lincoln Memorial, but - but - where's the Washington Monument?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #301

A visiting minister denounced horse racing in a town famous for the sport. One of the principal patrons of the track, a wealthy citizen with sporting proclivities, always attended that church. The minister was informed of this after the sermon and determined to make amends to the sportsman who was a generous contributor to the church.

'I'm afraid I touched one of your weaknesses,' said the clergyman, 'but it was quite unintentional, I assure you.'

'Oh, that's all right,' siad the sportsman genially. 'It's a mighty poor sermon that don't hit me somewhere.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #300

An excited gent hurried into the country editor's office and exclaimed, 'That notice of my death in your paper today is a lie, sir, a lie. I'll horsewhip you in public, sir, if you don't apologize in your next issue.'

The next issue of the paper contained the following announcement:

'We regret to announce that the paragraph in our last issue which stated that Colonel Bumble is dead is not true.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #298

This story is told of two London cabmen who had an argument and were glaring fiercely at each other.

'Aw, wot's the matter with you?' said one.

'Nothin's the matter with me,' said the other.

'You gave me a narsty look.'

'Me? Ha ha! Well, you certainly have a narsty look, but I never give it to you.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #296

The dentist asked his new patient if he had been anywhere else before coming to see him.

'Only to the village druggist,' said the patient.

'And what idiotic advice did he give you?' asked the dentist with the professional man's usual contempt for the layman.

'Why, he told me to come and see you,' said the patient innocently.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #291

The English have many quaint customs, and this story concerns the quaintest I ever heard of. A man dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord asked how he had liked his meal.

'I have dined as well as any man in England,' he said.

'Except the mayor,' said the landlord.

'I except no one,' said the diner.

'But you must,' the host insisted.

They quarreled, and the diner was haled before the mayor who told him it was the custom of that town always to 'except the mayor' and fined him for not conforming. The man paid his fine and was leaving when he remarked:

'To my mind that landlord is the biggest fool in England - except the mayor.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #290

That old saying, 'If you don't know, ask' is all right, I suppose, but sometimes the information gleaned is not particularly helpful. I recall one case in particular of a minister, called in an emergency to preach a funeral sermon. The dear departed was a complete stranger, and after the service was well under way, the preacher realized to his horror that he had even neglected to inquire as to the sex of the corpse. The name, unfortunately, was one of those trick cognomens that yielded no help, and the meager notes were not enlightening.

In a cold sweat, the minister proceeded as diplomatically as possible, trying to avoid an incriminating declaration. But finally he came to a point where he simply had to know. So while the choir sang, he beckoned a nearby mourner, pointed to the casket, and whispered hoarsely, 'Brother or sister?'

The mourner answered, 'Cousin!'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #289

The younger Mrs. Theodore Roosevelt had been away from home for several days. Came word one morning that she would arrive upon a certain afternoon train. Dutifully, Colonel Ted got out the family bus and departed for the station. Just as he rounded the corner, there came a warning whistle, and he rolled up to the station in time to see the train whiz by at forty miles an hour. On the rear platform, he beheld his wife waving frantically. Even as he looked, he saw her throw an important looking envelope in his general direction. The aim was not very accurate, however, and the envelope lodged in a thick and thorn-infested hedge. Heroically, the Colonel went after it, and at the cost of a few assorted scratches, rescued the missive. It read:

'Dear Ted: This train doesn't stop here.'

How to tell you are in a redneck church.

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. When the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'it ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of'.

6. The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. People think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling' washtub.

10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.

15 'Thou shalt not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. The final words of the benediction are 'Y'all come back now, Ya hear'.

Lawn Mowing Idea

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #276

James, a cautious young man who liked everything to be plainly understood, was engaged to marry a girl in a nearby city. Came the wedding day and the time for the ceremony but no James. The bride was frantic when she received this telegram:

'Dear Helen, missed early train. Will arrive 4:30. Don't marry till I come. James.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #273

A great bore was telling some friends about his trip to Switzerland.

'There I stood, gentlemen,' he said, 'a great abyss yawning before me.'

'Pardon me,' said one of his listeners, 'but was that abyss yawning before you got there?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #259

After General Pershing had had some of his teeth removed at a Washington doctor's office, he heard that his teeth were being sold in souvenir stores for $7.50 a tooth. 'Famous General's teeth!' Pershing, mad as anything, sent three aides out to buy up all they could lay hands on, intent on keeping his molars and bicuspids out of the grasp of a morbidly patriotic public. The aides scurried all over town. Toward evening they came back with 175 teeth.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #244

Professor Einstein's secretary was so burdened with inquiries as to the meaning of 'relativity' that the professor decided to help her out. He told her to answer these inquiries as follows: 'When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute, but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it's two hours. That's relativity.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #238

Proving that our customs are as strange to others as theirs are to us:

Wong, a Chinese servant, asked his master for permission to attend the funeral of another Chinese.

'All right,' said the master, 'I suppose you'll put some food on the grave as the Chinese usually do.'

'Yes, sir,' Wong answered.

'Look here, Wong, when do you think your friend will eat that food?'

'As soon, sir, as the friend you buried last week will smell the flowers you put on his grave,' was the answer.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #227

An American in Paris was lamenting being separated from his family which consisted of two young daughters. Turning to an Australian he had met he asked if he had any family.

'Yes, I have a wife and six children in Australia, and I never saw one of them.'

The American was stunned for a moment and then asked, 'Were you ever blind?'

'No.'

'Did you marry a widow?'

'No.'

There was silence again, then:
'Did I understand you to say you had a wife and six children living in Australia and had never seen one of them?'

'Yes.'

'But I simply don't understand. How can that be?'

'Because,' was the reply, 'one of them was born after I left.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #224

The speaker at the banquet had gone on for what seemed like days. Finally, one suffering auditor had enough and slipped out. Just outside the door he mat another member of the audience who had preceded him.

'Has he finished yet?' he asked.

'Yes,' said the man who had just escaped, 'long ago; but he won't stop.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #206

'The increasing divorce rate is rapidly making America the land of the free, all right,' a visiting Englishman said to an American friend.

'Yes,' said the American, a somewhat henpecked husband, 'but the marriage rate is increasing too, showing that America is still the home of the brave.'