The Laughter Library published 1936 #527

During the Revolution an American officer was foraging in Virginia for horses. He saw a slave plowing with a fine team in a field and told him he'd have to have those horses. The slave referred him to his mistress. The office went to the plantation house and was greeted by a majestic looking woman.

'Madam,' he said, impressed by her dignity, 'I have come to claim your horses in the name of the government.'

'Sir,' said she, 'you cannot have them. My crops are planted and I need the horses in the fields.'

'I am sorry,' said the officer, 'but I must have them, madam. Those are my orders from my chief.'

'And who is your chief, pray?' she demanded.

'The commander of the American army, General George Washington,' he said proudly.

A smile softened the sterness of the woman's features.

'You go back and tell General George Washington for me,' she said, 'that his mother says he cannot have her horses.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #515

The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick man.

'I cannot hide from you the fact that you are very ill,' he said. 'Is there anyone you would like to see?'

'Yes,' said the sufferer faintly.

'Who is it?'

'Another doctor.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #504

Chauncey Depew was the guest of honor at an important banquet. After dinner the toastmaster leaned over to Depew and said:

'Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?'

Unhelpful Advice

From Readers Digest, March, 2012, taken from Book of All-time Stupidest Top Ten Lists by Kathryn and Ross Petras:

1. 'In case of fire, evacuate the building. Do not use stairways. Do not use elevators.' (Sign in the Federal Reserve Bank building in Boston)

2. 'All you have to (do to protect yourself from nuclear radiation) is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.' (Department of Energy spokesperson)

3. 'Don't Make Luggage Look like a Bomb' (headline from the El Paso Times.

Cloudy, with a chance of Double-Talk

Readers Digest, March, 2012, submitted by George Kreider, on weatherblog.abc7news.com:

When I worked in the Air Force Satellite Control Facility, we held regular briefings for department heads. One time, a young officer concluded the weather briefing with '20 years ago, using manual methods, we could predict the weather only three days in advance. Today, with computers, we can predict the weather 72 hours in advance.'

Loud Child in Aisle Five

From Readers Digest, March, 2012 submitted by Harryl Hollingsworth, Denver CO:

At the supermarket, a rambunctious child stopped moving long enough to stare at my neck brace.

'What happened to her?' he asked his mother.

Seeing a great teaching opportunity, she replied, 'Maybe she wasn't sitting down in her grocery cart!'

Good to know

from Readers Digest, March, 2012 submitted by Tracy Moralee of Hitchin, Great Britain:

I overheard an elderly gentleman tell his friend that he couldn't meet him the next day because he had to go to the hospital for an autopsy. His friend was sympathetic: 'I had one of those last year. Luckily, it wasn't serious.'

Mute Court

Readers Digest, March, 2012, submitted by August Murphy of Pacifica, CA:

I mentioned to an unmarried friend of mine - an attorney - that he should attend a singles mixer for lawyers. He hated the idea.

'Why,' he asked, 'would I want to date someone who's been trained to argue?'

Out of the Fire, into the Fryer

Readers Digest - March, 2012 submitted by Kelly Semb, Sussex, WI:

My first job was at a fine-dining establishment. On the night we ran out of fries, my boss handed me $100 and told me to run to the McDonald's next door and get $100 worth of fries. But when I came back with two huge greasy sacks, my boss looked confused.

'What's this?' she asked.

'The $100 worth of fries you asked for,' I said.

Her eyes narrowed. 'I told you $100 in fives!'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #489

A boy had been annoying the busy blacksmith and the smith finally held a piece of red-hot iron under his nose, hoping to scare him away.

'If you'll give me a half a dollar I'll lick it,' said the boy.

The smith held out the coin. The simple-looking boy took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his pocket and slowly strolled away, whistling as he went.

RIP

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Pokey', died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Get it?

Dyslexics have more nuf!

So Do I

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Perfection

I am a nobody.

Nobody is Perfect.

Therefore, I am Perfect.

What did you say?

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Eat more chicken

Red meat is not bad for you;

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Headline

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"

Where are we?

Heaven is where:
The police are British;
The chefs are Italian;
The mechanics are German;
The lovers are French;
And it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:
The police are German;
The chefs are British;
The mechanics are French;
The lovers are Swiss;
And it is all organized by the Italians.

Kleptomania

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #413

Henry Ward Beecher was buying a horse and the owner was describing the animal:

'This horse is perfectly sound,' he said. 'He can go any gait - walk, pace, trot or gallop. He will stand without hitching and work any place you put him - on the off side or the near side - buggy, plow or wagon. He is perfectly gentle, though full of spirit; goes when you want him to and stops when you say 'Whoa'. He has no bad traits; will neither bite nor kick; comes when you call him and does not run off when he sees anything strange.'

Beecher looked admiringly at the animal and said wistfully, 'Ah, I wish that horse were a member of my church.'