The Laughter Library published 1936 #1000

The Senator was a very poor shot and his friend with whom he had spent the entire day trudging over hill and dale even worse, if such a thing was possible. As the sun lowered, the Senator turned to his friend who had stopped to get his breath after a climb uphill. 'Jim, I'll tell you what. Let's just miss two more rabbits and call it a day.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #964

Secretary Mellon was once asked the difference between direct and indirect taxation. 'The former,' he explained, 'is somewhat like a daylight robbery while the latter is like going through a man's pockets while he is asleep.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #964

The editor of a weekly newspaper published the following notice: 'Owing to the lack of space and the rush of editing this issue, several births and deaths will be postponed until next week.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #926

Mrs. Hank Efferson came into the corner drug store one morning to have two prescriptions filled. As the druggist started to the back of the store, she called: 'Now be sure to keep them separate. One's for Hank and the other is for our hog. You know he's a blue ribbon winner and the State Fair starts next week. We can't take any chances.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #922

It was in Louisville the shooting took place - in a hotel lobby, and there were few witnesses who cared to appear in the case. Finally one bell boy was inveigled into the witness chair. The attorney asked where he was when the first of the two shots were fired. The boy admitted that he was sitting at the end of the desk, in the front of the lobby. 'Where were you then when the second shot was heard?' 'I don't remember exactly,' and he seemed to think, 'but i was jest about passing the L&N Depot.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #921

The physician's young son and neighbor lad were playing in the office of the doctor. Suddenly the young host threw open a closet and disclosed an articulated skeleton. The visiting lad was promptly and properly horrified. The doctor's son explained that his father was extremely proud of that skeleton. 'Is he? Why?' 'Oh, I dunno. Maybe it was his first patient.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #891

(From the days when a telegram was priced by the word, with a ten word limit before a higher fee was charged)

Going the ten-word limit better, the couple to whom a baby had been born wired the grandparents, 'Isaiah, 9.6' thinking of course they would refer to the scripture passage which reads 'For unto us a child is born.'

Imagine their surprise when the grandparents replied, 'That's a fine healthy weight for a child, but why name the poor thing Isaiah?'

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Buy Now

"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year."

Comedian Marty Allen, quoted in the Buffalo News

How to Tell

"An idiot will try anything. That is how you know he is an idiot."

Screenwriter Michael Audlard, quoted in Le Figaro

The Laughter Library published 1936 #884

An expert motorist was explaining how, although in an accident where his street had the right of way, and the other motoris struck his left fender, it couldn't possibly be considered the other fellow's fault:

'It was this way - his father was Mayor of the town, his brother-in-law is Chief of Police and I am engaged to his sister.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #882

Buffalo Bill, during his days as a showman, fired his press agent and when the man asked for a recommendation, told him to write it himself and bring it over for the signature. The clever fellow did. After reading over the letter Cody remarked:

'If I had any idea you were as good as this says you are, i'd never have fired you at all.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #877

It was his initial trip through the United States Senate and one of the first figures to arouse his curiosity was the chaplain. His father explained who the gentleman was and the little lad asked:

'And does he pray for the Senate, Father?'

"No,' explained the disgruntled taxpayer, 'he comes in at the beginning of the session, takes one look at the Senators, and starts praying for the country.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #855

Having heard that his neighbor owned a set of books, which were very rare, Mark Twain asked the old gentleman if he might read them, only to be told that if he read them it would have to be in the owner's library, since he would not allow them to be taken out of the house.

Some time later the old gentleman, thinking to put his lawn in order, asked Twain if he might borrow a lawn mower.

Obliging, the humorist said that he certainly could but that due to a rule he always employed, it must be used on the Twain front yard, since it wasn't allowed off the premises.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #817

Willie's pants were torn but his mother was so busy upstairs she told him to get them off and do the mending himself. Soon afterward she came down, found the torn trousers on a chair, but no sign of Willie. Just then noises from the basement seemed to give her a clue. Going to the door, she called.

'Are you running around down there without your pants?'

"Why no, ma'am,' came a deep bass voice from the darkness, 'I'm just getting set to read this meter.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #823

The crusty customer who ordered a cup of weak tea turned a critical glance at the concoctin when it arrived.

'What's wrong with it. You said weak, didn't you?'

'Yep, weak is what I wanted, but I didn't say to make it helpless.'

Fear of Flying

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Vote Carefully

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Where do you live?

I live in my own little world but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.