Dave Barry on Income Tax Season

I know this is a little late, but I like it..........'I'ts income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.'........Dave Barry

What love means to a child #12

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'........Elaine, age 5

What love means to a child #11

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kiss me to sleep at night.'......Clare, age 6

What love means to a child #10

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'......Cindy, age 8

I Passed!

From Readers Digest, June 2012, submitted by Rebecca Atnip of San Antonio TX:.........After two stress-filled years of preparing for, then taking, a professional certification test, I got the results in the mail: I passed!.....Thrilled, I texted my family. My excitement waned somewhat after receiving this reply from my sister......'We are so excited about the news of your passing. Please let us know when the family will be celebrating!'

Get rid of your cows!

Noncitizen presenting for speech class...Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?......Teacher:Chaos.It's pronounced 'chaos'..........June 2012 Reader Digest taken from overheardeverywhere.com.......

Bad Choice?

From Readers Digest, June 2012: ...A woman calls her husband to tell him their two sons want to go to the zoo, then to a movie.... 'That's too expensive,' he says. 'It's one or the other.'... 'OK, which one do you prefer?' ...'Mikey.'

What love means to a child #9

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'......Tommy - age 6

Looking for the perfect job #3

11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 15. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking for the perfect job #2

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. 9. Next was a job at a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. 10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Looking for the perfect job #1

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. 2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

What love means to a child #8

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.'...Noelle, age 7

What love means to a child #7

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'....Nikka, age 6

What love means to a child #6

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.'....Emily, age 8

What love means to a child #5

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'.........Danny, age 7

What love means to a child #4

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' ......Chrissy - age 6

What love means to a child #3

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'--------- Karl - age 5

What love means to a child #2

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

What love means to a child #1

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore... So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #1

'My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.' 'Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.' 'Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33' 'Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out a tree and misplaced his hip.' 'John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.'