Now you know how to tell the difference

From the January 2013 Readers Digest, submitted by A. Campbell, Calgary, CN:

My three-year-old daughter, Chantelle, begged me for a story about when she was born.

"Daddy brought Mommy to the hospital, and the doctor helped you be born," I began. "When you came out, we both said, 'What is it?' And the doctor said, "It's a girl!"

"How did the doctor know I was a girl?" asked Chantelle.

"Well, when you were born, you came to us with no clothes on."

"Ahh," said Chantelle. "And boys have clothes on."

Big Difference!

From January 2013 Readers Digest submitted by Kisu Kim of Tennessee:

Being Korean, I asked my Tennessean friend, "What's the difference between whiskey and moonshine?"

His reply: "Tax."

Haggling

From January 2013 Readers Digest submitted by C. Coleman, PA:

When I took my ten year old grandson to his first flea market, I taught him the fine art of haggling.

"Say someone's selling a hunting knife for $20. Offer him $15," I instructed. He got the concept, and when he spotted a ring he wanted that was selling for $5, he went into action.

"I only have $3," he told the woman at the booth.

She smiled. "Then $3 it is."

With that, he pulled out a $5 bill and waited for change.

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #7

• Seizure - Roman emperor
• Tablet - small table
• Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
• Tumor - one plus one more
• Urine - opposite of you're out
• Varicose - near by; close by

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #6

• Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
• Post Operative - a letter carrier
• Recovery Room - place to do upholstery
• Rectum - darn near killed him
• Secretion - hiding something

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #5

• Morbid - a higher offer
• Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
• Node - I knew it
• Outpatient - a person who has fainted
• Pap smear - a fatherhood test

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #4

• G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball
• Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
• Impotent - distinguished, well known
• Labor Pain - getting hurt at work
• Medical Staff - a doctor's cane

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #3

• Dilate - to live long
• Enema - not a friend
• Fester - quicker than someone else
• Fibula - a small lie
• Genital - non-Jewish person

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #2

• Catscan - searching for kitty
• Cauterize - made eye contact with her
• Colic - a sheep dog
• Coma - a punctuation mark
• D&C - where Washington is

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #1

• Benign - what you be after you be eight
• Artery - the study of paintings
• Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
• Barium - what doctors do when patients die
• Cesarean Section - a neighborhood in Rome

Black Friday

From Readers Digest, December 2012, submitted by L.B. Weinstein, Miami Beach, FL:

It was Black Friday, the morning after Thanksgiving, and the crowd was huge and getting antsy. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be shoved back. On his second try, he was picked up and thrown to the end of the line. On his third attempt, he was knocked to the ground, kicked, and, again, dumped to the back.

"That's it," he murmured. "If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Doctor Said What? #7

"She is numb from her toes down."

Doctor Said What? #5

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

Doctor Said What? #4

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

Doctor Said What? #3

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

Doctor Said What? #2

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

Doctor Said What? #1

From pediatricnursing.com: Some odd comments doctors wrote on patients' charts.

"The  patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me."

Things to Think About - Country Style #5

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got
• The biggest trouble maker you'll ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'
• Always drink upstream from the herd
• Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
• Live simple. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Things to Think About - Country Style #4

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time
• Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none
• Timing has a lot to do with outcome of a rain dance
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'

Things to Think About - Country Style #3

• Every path has a few puddles
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty
• The best sermons are lived, not preached
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
• Don't judge folks by their relatives