Bob Hope on going to Heaven

"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Bob Hope on his early failures

"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

Bob Hope on his 6 brothers

"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

Bob Hope on his family's early poverty

"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

Bob Hope on receiving the Congressional Gold Medal

 "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

Bob Hope on Presidents

"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only 6."

Bob Hope on golf

"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

Bob Hope on never winning an Oscar

"Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'".

Bob Hope was a Boxer

Bob Hope on giving up his early boxing career: "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."

Bob Hope quoted on turning 100

"I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything at all until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope quoted on turning 90

 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Bob Hope at 80

Bob Hope quoted on turning 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

Bob Hope at 70

Bob Hope quoted on turning 70 "I still chase women, but only downhill."

I wonder why #4:

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I wonder why #3:

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those 2 mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

I wonder why #2:

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins the Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

I wonder why #1:

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes up front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet soda?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Turkey Shoot

I shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting old is so much fun!

The Senility Prayer

Lord, Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do like,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Serenity #9:

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says "For Fast Relief"

Serenity #8:

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Serenity #7:

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Serenity #6:

I feel my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.