Aches and Pains

Maxine: "After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead."

The future

Maxine: "Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? Now that is scary."

Bucket Seats

Maxine on Bucket Seats: "The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

Aging Well

Maxine on Aging: "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

Reboot

Maxine on the Technology Revolution: "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

The Perfect Man

Maxine on The Perfect Man: "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Lawn Care

Maxine on lawn care: "The key to a nice looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Cleaning Mirrors

Maxine on Housework: I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.

Drive Safely

Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

Really?

How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Ricky, age 10

What if?

If people did not get married, there would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8

Single or Married?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9

Follow the Rules

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8

Age Requirement?

The law says you have to be eighteen to kiss, so I wouldn't mess with that.

Curt, age 7

Money Talks

When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they're rich!

Pam, age 7

First Date

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10

Dates

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynette, age 8

Total Agreement

Q: What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
A: Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

Can you guess right?

You might have to guess if two people are married based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8

Kids view of finding someone to marry #3

Twenty-three is the best age to get married because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

Kids view of finding someone to marry #2

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10

Kids view of finding someone to marry #1

You got to find somebody who like the samestuff. Like, if you like sports, she should lit it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10

Newbies!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!