What Do You Recommend?

Some kids are overprivileged. One in the cafeteria line the other day wanted to see the wine list.

Keeping Up With the Joneses?

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.

Right or Wrong?

Once I thought I was mistaken, but I was wrong.

What's a castle?

A man's home is his hassle.

I'm married!

Bachelors know more about women than married me: if they didn't, they'd be married, too.

WW I

The first world war, caused by the assignation of the arch-duck by an atheist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Adam and Eve

Eve could never yell at Adam, "I could have married another man you know."

19th Century - the age of invention

The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The Lottery

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.

Great Britain

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is  in the East and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Love is not for one

What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires an accomplice.

France

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted a heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine  was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

Decisions, decisions

You marry the person who is most available when you are the most vulnerable.

Friend or Foe?

A friend is someone who has the same enemies as you do.

Natural Resources

It looks as though the taxpayer will be the first of America's resources to be completely exhausted.

Beethoven

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Thought For the Day

We work like hell in the country so we can live in the city, where we work like hell so we can live in the country.

It's Going to be a Bad Day When:

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

It's Going to Be a Bad Day when #2:

Your son tells you he wished Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency route out of the city

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have  waterbed

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When:

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You call the suicide prevention help-line and they put you on hold.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You see a 60-Minutes news team waiting in your office

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Office Wisdom #4:

Forwarded for your consideration: You hold the bag for a while.

Personnel Manager to new hire: "You'll find working here very exciting! We have fifteen jobs and twelve pay checks!"

Office Wisdom #3:

Let's go over this at lunch: It's time we ate on your expense account.

Reliable source: The last person I talked to.

Unimpeachable source: The fellow who started the rumor.

Activate: Make more carbons and add names to the memo.

Note and initial: Let's spread the responsibility.