Make Up the Time

I start in August by telling people that I must leave work early before the roads get bad. I then tell them that I will make up the time lost on the next day by coming to work late.

Stand Up Comic

I wanted to be a stand-up comic when I was younger, but in those days I did a lot of drinking. I did not have a problem telling the jokes ... my problem was I couldn't stand up.

Mime Arrested

My uncle was a "Mime" who used his hands to talk to people. They arrested him for a robbery and took him to the police station. They had to release him because they had not told him that he had the right to remain silent.

Resisting

My granddaughter was in day care and refused to come in from the playground when she was supposed to take a nap. They called the police on her because she was resisting a rest.

Skydiving

The daughter was not real dumb. She knew that you did not need a parachute to sky dive and she knew that you did need a parachute if you wanted to sky dive twice.

Dating a Doctor

When my daughter was dating a doctor, I told him to be nice to her or I would start feeding her an apple a day.

Don't Lie

My family doctor asked personal questions when I first met him and my responses were: I don't smoke, I don't drink and I have never picked a girl up and spent the weekend with her. My doctor said that was great and my response to that was: Doctor, I do have one major problem that I don't think you can fix. He wanted to know my problem and I said, "I can't keep from telling lies."

Google

Never ask Google for medical advice. I have gone from a mild headache to clinically dead in three clicks.

Writing Hints #7

Writing Hints #7

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Writing Hints #6

Writing Hints #6

Use the apostrophe in it's appropriate place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know".

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Writing Hints #5

Writing Hints #5

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Writing Hints #4

Writing Hints #4

Don't use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Writing Hints #3

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant. Do not use words more than necessary. It's highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Writing Hints #2

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

Also, too, never ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Writing Hints #1

Writing Hints #1

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

The Joneses

Nothing makes people go into debt like trying to keep up with people who already are.

Wish

Most of us keep wishing for things we don't have. After all, what else is there to wish for?

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #9

Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #8

If you explain something so clearly that no one can misunderstand, someone will.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #7

It is easier to get into a thing than to get out of it.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #6

It is fundamental law of nature that nothing ever quite works out.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #5

If you try to please everybody, somebody is not going to like it.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #4

If you fool around with a thing long enough, it will eventually break.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #3

Everything always costs more money than you have, and takes longer.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws (Variation) #2

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Murphy's Fundamental Laws #1

When nothing can go wrong, it will.

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #7

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three time, does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against the acts of God?

Why do shops have signs, "Guide Dogs Only"? The dogs can't read and their owners are blind!

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #6

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #5

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #4

If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Ambiguity & Idiosyncrasies #3

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can Vegetarians eat animal crackers?