What My Mother Taught Me #20

My mother taught me humor:

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

What My Mother Taught Me #19

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

What My Mother Taught Me #18

My mother taught me medical science:

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

What My Mother Taught Me #16

My mother taught me anticipation:

"Just wait until we get home."

What My Mother Taught Me #15

What My Mother Taught Me #15

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

What My Mother Taught Me #14

My mother taught me about behavior modification:

"Stop acting like your father!"

What My Mother Taught Me #13

My mother taught me the circle of life:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

What My Mother Taught Me #12

My mother taught me about hypocrisy:

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

What My Mother Taught Me #11

My mother taught me about weather:

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

What My Mother Taught Me #10

My mother taught me about stamina:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

What My Mother Taught Me #9

What My Mother Taught Me #9

My mother taught me contortion-ism.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

What My Mother Taught Me #8

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:

"Shut your mouth and eat you supper."

What My Mother Taught Me #7

What My Mother Taught Me #7

My mother taught me irony:

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about".

What My Mother Taught Me #6

My mother taught me foresight:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

What My Mother Taught Me #5

What My Mother Taught Me #5

My mother taught me more logic:

If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

What My Mother Taught Me #4

My mother taught me logic:

"Because I said so, that's why."

What My Mother Taught Me #3

My mother taught me about time travel:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

What My Mother Taught Me #2

My mother taught me religion:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

What My Mother Taught Me #1

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."                      

Good Judgment

Remember Ziggy ... Good judgment comes from experience ... and experience come from poor judgment.

Ziggy 12/8 - don't know the year

Real Trouble

"They just determined that if brain death occurs, a person can be declared legally dead! If that's the case ... then there's a lot of us walking around who are in real trouble."

Funky Winkerbean, 1994

Talk slower

The trouble with people who talk too fast is that they often say something they haven't thought of yet.

Over 60 Perks #4

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can' remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You can't remember who posted this list.

Over 60 Perks #3

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Over 60 Perks #2

There is nothing left to learn the hard. way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat supper at 4 pm.

You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

Over 60 Perks #1

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run --- anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Run Fast

I wanted to cross a farmer's field to get some apples which were on the other side. The farmer told me "no". I begged and offered to pay him. The farmer told me it would be free and I started across the field. A large bull saw me and I just barely made it back ahead of the bull. The farmer said, "I told you it was free, but the bull charges."