What you learn as you get older 1

• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
• I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Gentle Thoughts for today 2

1. He who hesitates is probably right.
2. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for '40' are 'XL'?
3. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
4. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
5. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
6. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Finishing the Proverb 3

1. Laugh and whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose.
2. There are none so blind as........Stevie Wonder.
3. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
4. If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
5. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box.
6. When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.
7. A bird in the hand..........is going to poop on you.
8. Better late than..........pregnant.

Finishing the Proverb 2

1. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning
2. Love all, trust........me
3. The pen is mightier than the..........pigs
4. An idle mind is the...........best way to relax
5. Where there's smoke, there's...........pollution
6. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents
7. A penny saved is...........not much
8. Two's company, three's...........the Musketeers
9. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed

Finishing the Proverb 1

A 1st grade teacher asked her 26 students to provide the ending to well-known proverbs as she gave each a unique 1st half. The results:

1. Don't change horses.......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water, but.......how?
6. Don't bit the hand that..........looks dirty.
7. No news is............impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..........Mrs.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.........math

Thought for the Day 1

• Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car
• When I'm feeling good, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.
• A penny saved is a government oversight
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Why????????...5

• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Why????????...4

• Why are 'wise guy' and 'wise man' opposites?
• Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
• Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why????????...3

• Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
• Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do we sing "take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it is really after light?
• Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why????????...2

• Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?

Why????????????

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

What???????? 7

• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key
• A calendar's days are numbered
• Some money is tainted --- taint yours and taint mine
• A boiled egg is hard to beat
• His photographic memory was not developed

What???????? 6

• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
• Fall into an upholstery machine and be fully recovered
• A grenade hit the floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart
• You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
• Is a Local Area Network in Australia called the LAN down under?

What???????? 5

• A backward poet writes inverse
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
• Pay your exorcist or you will be repossessed
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress

What???????? 4

• Take a laptop computer for a run and jog your memory
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail
• Bicycles can't stand alone. They get two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

What???????? 3

• We never run out of math teachers because they multiply
• When the smog lifts in California UCLA
• Math professor went crazy at the blackboard. He did a number on it
• The theory of earthquakes is on shaky ground
• Dead batteries given away free of charge