Newspaper Headlines

I have been led to believe these were all printed in newspapers.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veteranarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave LInked to Temperatures

One Liners #5

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What the heck happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Olie and Sven's Warning Sign

0lie is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor
Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT'STOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and
yells,"Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,
'BRIDGE OUT?'"

One Liners #4

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Friendship

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

One Liners #3

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think noboday cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If you believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

What is the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

One Liners II

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory.