The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #4:

Inoculate, v. - to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis, n. - terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis, n. - a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon, n. - it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #3:

Oyster, n. - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. - the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Bozone, n. - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, show little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti, n - vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm, n - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #2:

Negligent, adj. - describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph, v. - to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle, n. - olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. - emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. - a rapidly receding hairline.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions 1-5

1. coffee, n. - the person upon whom one coughs
2. flabbergasted, adj. - appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. abdicate, v. - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. - impotent

As Good a Reason as Any

Readers Digest, June 2013 submitted by Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland:

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Did you marry him for his money?"

"Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn't have any."

"So," he said, "you just felt sorry for him."

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Eat Healthy

From June, 2013 Readers Digest:

Overheard at a fair:

Little girl: I want cotton candy!

Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something healthy.

Little girl: I want cotton candy now!

Mom: I said no, you're going to have something healthy! How about a corn dog?