2013 politically correct language

• She does not nag you - she becomes verbally repetitive
• He does not have a beer gut - he has developed a liquid grain storage facility
• He does not get lost all the time - he investigates alternative destinations
• He is not balding - he is in follicle regression

Hillbillies

Being politically correct in 2013 means you can no longer refer to Kentuckians, Tennesseans or West Virginians as hillbillies. You must now refer to them as Appalachian-Americans.

Stop the Presses

Readers Digest, February 2013:

Some mistakes make the headlines; other are the headlines:

• Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" - La Crosse Tribune (WI)
• Poverty, Hunger Go Together - Advertiser (Bastrop, TX; submitted by Jeneva Leifester)
• Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing - Daily Herald, Provo UT

A New Minister's Plea

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by V. Nifong, Auburndale, FL:

Our new minister pleaded with the congregation for help on a church project. After weeks with few takers, he called our house with the deeply felt, if not diplomatic, request: "I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for volunteers and wonder if you might be able to help?"

Generation Gap

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by Julie, R., Grand Rapids, MI:

My five-year-old son was badgering us to get him an iPad. "My friend brought his to school, and I want one, too," he insisted.

"Absolutely not," said my husband. "They're expensive and fragile. Besides, what would you even do with an iPad?"

Our son replied, "I'd put it over my eye and play pirates with my friends."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States from mobileinsurance.co.uk:

Make sure to get insurance for your smart phone. The people did, and here are the claims they filed:

• A farmer said his iPhone had disappeared inside the back end of one of his cows - he'd been using the light on his phone to assist the cow during calving. The phone later made an appearance, but was damaged.
• A woman baked her Android phone into a cake she'd been making for her daughter's birthday.
• A couple reenacting the "I'm the king of the world!" scene from Titanic lost their phone over the side of the cruise ship while taking a photo of themselves.

Dry Roast Chicken

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States submitted by Pam Brennan, Stratford, NJ:

My husband will not be confused for Jamie Oliver anytime soon. Before I ran off to work, I gave him detailed instructions on how to cook dinner. That evening, I returned home to find a dry chicken roasting in the oven next to a Pyrex measuring cup full of water.

"What's that doing there?" I asked.

Clearly offended, he sputtered, "You told me to put the chicken in the oven with a cup of water!"