Thoughts to Ponder #5:

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding though peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #3:

"Meeting on open meetings is closed"

"Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney"

"Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf"

"Hospitals resort to hiring doctors"

"Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #5:

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #5

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." - Sir John Eric Erickson, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay for Microsoft." - IBM, 1982

Steven Wright #11:

If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

In my house there's a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else, when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's book ... not on purpose.

Facts of Life #4:

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Thoughts to Ponder #4:

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen or King.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?