Stuff #2:

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs –Alexander The Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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Stuff #1:

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule Of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.

Fine Whines get Better With Age

Readers Digest, May 2013:

Insults. To quote Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If you have nothing nice to say about someone, sit right next to me."

Here are some insults from famous people:

Winston Churchill: "A modest little person with much to be modest about."

Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Samuel Foote: "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #6:

Beelzebug, n. - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor, n. - the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus, n. - a person who's both stupid and (you can figure out the rest)

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #5:

Decafalon, n. - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido, v. - all talk and no action.

Dopeler effect, n. - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit, n. - the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentlally walked into a spider web.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #4:

Inoculate, v. - to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis, n. - terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis, n. - a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon, n. - it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #3:

Oyster, n. - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. - the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Bozone, n. - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, show little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti, n - vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm, n - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it