Choose your words wisely

My wife and I had words. I didn't get to use mine.

Change can be good

Answering machine message: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Playing it Safe

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir. With my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have locker in the room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #4

15. Law of Locations: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible, if you don't know what you are saying.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find something you really like, they stop making it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #3

11. Theater Rule: At any event, people whose seat is farthest from the aisle will arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in the locker room, it will be side by side lockers for them.
14. Law of Dirty Carpets: The chances of an open faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a carpet are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #2

6. Variation Law: If you change lanes in traffic, the one you were in will start to move faster.
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water the phone will ring.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of Result: When you try to prove that a machine won't work then it will.
10. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is beyond the ability to reach it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #1

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After you get your hands coated with grease your nose will start to itch or you need to go to the bathroom.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number it is never busy.
5. Law of Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.