Original Nominees

White House Chief of Staff - Mike Tyson
Secretary of State - Al Sharpton
Secretary of Treasury - Charles Keating
Secretary of Labor - John Gotti
Secretary of Defense - Rodney King

The World According to Gump #2

Don't ever pick a fight with somebody that's really ugly lookin'.

Remember this: When someone is down there kissin' your butt, they could just as easily be bitin' it, too.

If  you want to be popular, do not engage in child molestin' or line dancin'.

Don't lick nothin' that's gonna stick to your tongue.

Some people, like me, are born idiots, but many more get stupider as they go along.

The World According to Gump

Here are some quirky quotes from Forrest Gump:

Never wear suspenders and a belt at the same time. Some people will think you are paranoid.

Beware of people that put numbers after their names.

Life can be one big toilet, so fall of of our sakes, don't make waves.

Most people don't look dumb until they start talkin'.

Do not suck your thumb - or anyone else's for that matter.

Died Anyway

Lady with flowers standing in a cemetery next to a marble marker that reads:

Born 1914
Gave Up Smoking 1959
Gave Up Booze 1973
Gave Up Red Meat 1983
Died Anyway 1991

Steven Wright #28:

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. (picks up a glass of water from his stool) I like to live on the edge.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Dog Logic #3:

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then them him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

Steven Wright #27:

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around the building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.