Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY
NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Retirement made fun!!!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

School Children predictions

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Let's eat at Mario's

A group of 40 year old golf buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. It is agreed upon that they should meet at Mario's restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. They agreed that they should meet at Mario's because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. They agreed that they should meet at Mario's because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. They agreed that they should meet at Mario's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. They agreed that they should meet at Mario's because they have never been there before.

Church Bulletins #5

21. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

22. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Church Bulletins #4

16. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

17. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

18. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

19. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

20. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Church Bulletins #3

11. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

12. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

14. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

15. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Church Bulletins #2

6. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

7. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

8. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Church Bulletins

1. The Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's the last chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. Don't let worry kill you off. Let the church help.
5. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Headlines #2

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck by Lightning; Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

Kids Make Nutitious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Newspaper Headlines

I have been led to believe these were all printed in newspapers.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veteranarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave LInked to Temperatures

One Liners #5

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering "What the heck happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

Olie and Sven's Warning Sign

0lie is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor
Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT'STOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and
yells,"Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,
'BRIDGE OUT?'"

One Liners #4

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Friendship

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

One Liners #3

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think noboday cares, try missing a couple of payments.

If you believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

What is the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.

One Liners II

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory.