01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How cold is it?
I just got off the phone with friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Moose Hunting
Two Texans, Billy Bob and Bubba, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt Moose.
They managed to bag six Moose. But, as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.
However, on take-off the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness. Somehow, Billy Bob and Bubba survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
They managed to bag six Moose. But, as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.
However, on take-off the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness. Somehow, Billy Bob and Bubba survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Observations on Growing Older
~Your kids are becoming you...but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...They add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK Because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you To remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, You no longer care to do, But you really do care that you Don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair With the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep"..
~You miss the days when everything worked With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....2 of which you will never wear.
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...They add "for your age!"
~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.
~You forget names ... But it's OK Because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you To remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, You no longer care to do, But you really do care that you Don't care to do them anymore.
~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair With the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep"..
~You miss the days when everything worked With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....2 of which you will never wear.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Computer problems - ID ten T error
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computer. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
Saturday, January 8, 2011
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE
SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING
OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES –
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE
SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING
OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES –
NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Cool facts about the human body...
OK. This is not a joke, but I find it interesting enough that I wanted to share it anyway.
Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Do you know these people?
It doesn't mean a person is an idiot simply because an idiotic thing is done, but it does increase the chances.
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
Working in a law office, I started to FAX a legal document for one of the attorneys. As I started to dial, he came running down the hall, shouting, "Wait, don't let it go, I don't have a copy for myself." I guess he thought that it would be beamed up.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
Working in a law office, I started to FAX a legal document for one of the attorneys. As I started to dial, he came running down the hall, shouting, "Wait, don't let it go, I don't have a copy for myself." I guess he thought that it would be beamed up.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
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