The Laughter Library published 1936 #170

'William,' said the Sunday School teacher, 'can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness for sin?'

'Yes, sir,' replied the boy. 'We must sin.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #164

Two deer hunters came out of the woods and met.

'Are all of the other boys out of the woods, Bill?' asked one.

'Yeah.'

'All six of 'em?'

'Yeah.'

'And are they all safe?'

'Yeah; whats this all about anyhow?'

'Why,' said the first hunter, throwing out his chest, 'then I've shot a deer.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #161

The owner of a movie house had just taken out a fire insurance policy. As he signed his name to the document, he turned to the insurance agent and asked, 'Now if my theatre was to burn down tonight, what would I get?'

'Oh, about ten years I imagine,' the insurance agent replied.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #160

One of the questions on the examination of police candidates read, 'What are rabies and what do you do about it?'

Joe O'Neill's answer was, 'Rabies are Jewish priests and you can't do anything about it.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #156

Pat was taking his first airplane ride. They were up about 5,000 feet when the pilot sent the ship into a nose dive; it was headed straight for the city below. Pulling out of the dive, the pilot turned to Pat and laughed:

'I bet fifty per cent of those people down there thought we were falling,' he said.

'Yes,' said Pat, ' and I'll bet fifty per cent of the people up here thought so too.'

(been there; done that)

The Laughter Library published 1936 #155

Proving that if Mark Twain had lived today he might have been a great advertising salesman:

A subscriber to a paper which Twain edited wrote to him saying that he had found a spider in the folds of the paper and wished to know whether this was good or bad luck.

Twain replied: 'Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking for over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door, and live a life of undisturbed peace afterward.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #152

The American institute of the banquet has been described by a well-known after-dinner speaker as 'an affair where a speaker first eats a lot of food he doesn't want and then proceeds to talk about something he doesn't understand to a lot of people who don't want to hear him.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #142

The local reporter was interviewing the grandfather of a Hollywood star.

'Does Bill ever come back to the old farm since he's such a big-shot in the movies?' he asked.

'Every summer,' said the old man proudly. 'Every one of the five summers he's been away.'

'And did he bring his wife with him?'

'Every time,' replied Grandpa, 'and they was five as purty girls as you ever laid eyes on.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #140

After the following episode a certain lawyer decided never to try irony on a jury again. He was prosecuting a man who had been caught redhanded on the roof of a house, obviously a guilty burglar, and wound up his speech to the jury as follows:

'If you consider, gentlemen, that the accused was on the roof for the purpose of enjoying the midnight breeze and by pure accident happended to have about him the necessary tools of a house-breaker, with no dishonest intention of employing them, you will, of course, acquit him.'

And the jury did.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #138

John Barrymore, the story goes, visited a haberdashery in Hollywood, selected a number of things, ordered them sent out, and started to leave.

'And your name?' asked the clerk.

'Barrymore,' was the cold reply.

'Which Barrymore, please?'

John looked at the fellow disdainfully. 'Ethel' he barked.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #134

Having, one afternoon, left his machine near his hotel in a suburb of Los Angeles, a traveler came back several hours later and found it covered with tags citing a variety of offenses. It had been left there more than two hours, the lights hadn't been turned on after dark, it was parked less than 20 feet from a fire hydrant, and so on. Hastily estimating the impending fines, he concluded it would be a pretty economy to report his car as lost and this he did; the police took down all the data and advised him not to worry. He did, though, naturally; and he also suffered considerable embarrassment, because several times a day for a week, every time he went in or out of his hotel he had to pass his car sitting there forlornly with all the tags on it. It took police that long to find it.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #132

A European traveler entered the train at Lyons and tipped the guard to put him off at Dijon.

'I'm a very heavy sleeper,' he said, 'and you must take no notice of my protests. Just grab me and shove me off on the platform.'

He went to sleep and when he awoke the train was getting into Paris. Furious, he went after the guard and told him what he thought of him in no uncertain terms.

'Ah,' said the guard calmly, 'you have a bit of temper, but it's nothing compared to the chap I put out of the train at Dijon.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #129

'Dearest,' said the new husband to his bride, 'do you really think I'll prove a satisfactory mate?'

'Oh, you'll do for a mate all right,' answered his precious girl. 'Now look me over and tell me what you think of your captain.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #126

A new and good Scotch story is somewhat rarer than a day in June. This one was new to me:

A Scotch traveling salesman, held up in one of the Channel Islands by a bad storm wired his firm in Aberdeen, 'Marooned by storm. Wire instructions.'

The answer said, 'Start summer vacation as from yesterday.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #111

During the Prohibition days a speaker referred to the difficulty of enforcing the law because so many citizens refused to take it seriously.

"They are like the chap whose cellar was searched by enforcement officers the other day." he said.

"An officer said to him, 'There are hundreds of empty whisky bottles in your cellar. How did they get there?'

"'Blest if I know,' said the owner of the cellar and laughed. 'I never bought an empty whisky bottle in my life'."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #98

Mark Twain once debated polygamy with a Mormon. The Mormon claimed polygamy was perfectly moral and defied Mark to cite any passage of Scripture which forbade it.

'Well,' said Twain, 'how about that passage that tells us no man can serve two masters?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #65

'In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life?' asked the teacher of the quiet boy who had not had a question.

'Dead' was the calm reply.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #64

'Mention 12 animals of the polar region' the examination paper read. The desparing student wrote 'Six seals and six bears.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #28

A young man, known more widely for his athletic prowess than for his ability to grasp the fundamentals of a college education, had transferred from one university football team to another, after having made a very poor scholastic record.

A professor from the second school was jibing his friend who taught at the first school about their respective requirements.

"We figured that if you required the average student to make a grade of 75, it was only fair to pass Bill on a grade of 50. So we gave him a special examination. Well the average student is asked ten questions so we decided it was fair to ask Bill two questions."

"First I asked him what was the color of blue vitriol acid and he said 'pink' and that was wrong. Next, I asked him if he knew how to make sulphuric acid and he said 'No,' and that was right, so I passed him."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #27

A very up-to-date young minister was explaining to one of his less modish parishoners that an American version of the Bible had been printed, and was in fact quite interesting.

'Well, sir, if you don't mind, I won't be making any changes. If King James' version was good enough for St. Paul it's good enough for me.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #24

A woman had been collecting benefits on her health insurance policy for some time. Finally a company examiner called on her, and after an extended examination said:

'Madam, it is quite evident that your neuritis is caused by your teeth, and they will have to come out. Let me see them, please.'

'All right, doctor,' she replied. 'Hold out your hand.'