Disorder in the Court 2

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.


Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh............

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None

Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness:Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Guess.

Disorder in the Court 1

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And it what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do


Attorney: Voodoo?

Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 3

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 2

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME Volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME Volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 1

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

Pilot (P): Left inside tire almost needs replacement
Solution (S): Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

Children in Church 11

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Children in Church 10

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Children in Church 9

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Children in Church 8

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

A little boy opened my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

Children in Church 7

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"Your're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Children in Church 6

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

The he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Children in Church 5

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

Children in Church 4

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet n church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Children in Church 3

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Children in Church 2

One particular four-year old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

Children in Church 1

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was 'acting up' during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation:

'Pray for me! Pray for me!'

What you learn as you get older 4

• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do

and the eyesight to tell the difference

What you learn as you get older 3

• It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

What you learn as you get older 2

• If all is lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents
• Accidents in the back seat cause kids.