Actual Insurance Form Statements #11

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #10

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #9

In an attempt to kil a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #8

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #7

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #6

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

TMI

Wife to friend with husband in a recliner: "The company finally realized his abilities ... he's been fired."

Unintended Consequences?

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Actual Insurance Form Statements #5

A truck backed through my windshield  into my wife's face.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #4

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #3

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my through it.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #2

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

Actual Insurance Form Statements #1

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with  tree don't have.

Good Advice

Boss to employee: "I don't care if your mind goes blank once in a while, but please turn off the sound when it does"

Angel, Dear

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel."
Second Guy: "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

Ad for a Wife

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife want'. Nest day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Socrates - The Great Philosopher

Socrates - The Great Philosopher

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

King David Said It

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Trust Me - It's True

There is no task so simple tat it cannot be messed up beyond belief!

(Just ask Nita about my plumbing skills)

Test

Can you guess your sex?

Submit your answer.

(No fair peeking)

Math Quiz

Three men go into a room and lock the door. All of them are barefoot. The only thing in the room is a block of ice in the shape of a goat and three quarts of mussels. The next morning all 3 men leave the room.

Question: How many men are left in the room?

Focus

Keep your mind on your problems and they grow. Keep your mind on God and they go.

Good Incentive Program

King to the Knight:

"I understand you have some reservations about facing dragons."

"To help you overcome your timidness...

I've developed an incentive program. It will really motivate you."

"If you don't do it, I"ll have you put on the rack."

A Feast for the Soul Only

The menu was printed in French but the gentleman who came in for dinner did not intend to admit to his lack of acquaintance with foreign tongues.

He took the bill-of-fare in his hands and studied it with an air of great intentness. Then he aimed  a stout forefinger at a certain item near the top of the card and to the waiter who was bending over his shoulder he said:

"To start off with,I"ll take some of that!"

"I"m sorry sir," said the servitor, "but the orchestra is playing that!"

Mistaken Identity

A haggard-looking individual encounters an acquaintance on the street. The following dialogue ensues:

"So you were at the meeting of the Civic Improvement Forum yesterday? My wife was there. Did she speak?

"Well, I don't know your wife but there was one tall, slender lady with a very intent expression who arose ---"

"That must have been my wife. Go on."

"She arose and said she could not find the words to express her feelings."

"That couldn't have been my wife!"

That Woman You Live With

Master Willie, aged nine, came sniffling into the presence of his father.

"What's the matter with you:?" demanded the parent.

Willie stifled a sob.

"I've just had a terrible scene with your wife," he said.

No Parent Left Behind #4

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as was having a gangover.

Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under a doctor.

Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night!