Ways to Know You're Getting Older #1

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #1

You back goes out more than you do.

Woman's Intuition

Joke of the Day

Woman's intuition is
Something she's got
Which guarantees she's right
Even when she's not.

Perspective

Joke of the Day

Two flies were resting and chatting on the ceiling.

"Humans are so silly," the first fly said. "They spend all this money building a beautiful ceiling like this and then walk on the floor!"

The Past

Joke of the Day

Living in the past has its points. It is certainly cheaper.

A Stupid Boss?

Joke of the Day

Many who complain the boss is stupid would be out of a job if he was any smarter.

Spanking

Joke (?) of the Day

The quickest way to be convinced that spanking is unnecessary is to become a grandparent.

Think or Know?

Joke for the Day

It generally takes 50% longer to tell what you think than to tell what you know.

Engage Brain

Joke for the Day

Sign on a factory supervisor's office door:

Caution -- be sure brain is engaged before putting your mouth in gear.

(It might have been nice to learn this when I was a teenager)

Rats

Joke of the Day

I often stop and ponder
On the Rat Race that I'm in
And then I get to figger'n
Those dadburned Rats'll win!

Bald or Gray?

Joke for the Day

POME

Why view Bald Heads
With such dismay --
At any rate
They'll never get gray!

Take a Hike

Joke for the Day

Take a Hike

Father: "When I was a small boy, I thought nothing of a ten mile hike."

Son: "Well, dad, I don't think so much of it myself."

Get the Diagnosis Correct

Joke for the Day:

A man went to his dotor complaining that he was too tired to do his job. The doctor conducted a complete examination, but couldn't find anything wrong.

"I think the problem is that you're just lazy," he said.

The man sighed. "Now could you give me the medical term so I can tell my boss?"

Paint

Joke for the Day

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

Noodles

Joke of the Day

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An impasta.

Elephants

Joke of the Day:

Elephants

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

A: Irrelephant.

Uniform Issue

Joke of the Day:

Q: Who worries that his uniform makes him look fat?

A: An insecurity guard.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #11

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #11

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #10

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #10

 Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #9

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #9

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #8

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #8

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #7

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #7

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barged up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #6

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #6

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #5

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #5

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. The plagues included frog, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave the His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don' lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #4

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #4

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #3

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #3

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. 

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #2

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #2


Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and 

Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't 

been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so there driven 

from the Garden of Eden...Not sure what they were driven in though, 

because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who 

hated his broker as long as he was Abel.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #1

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #1

"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says: 'The Lord thy God is one", but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light' and someone did."

Holiday Specials?

Joke of the Day

Holiday Specials?

Mother: "Johnny, how come you have lower marks in January that you had in December?"

Johnny: "Oh, you know. Everything is marked down after the holidays."

Talkative Teacher

Joke of the Day

Talkative Teacher

Teacher: "Dickie, you can't sleep in my class!"

Dickie: "I know it. You talk too much."

The Effective Doctor

Joke of the Day

The Effective Doctor

Patient: "Doc, I have trouble breathing."

Doctor: "Don't worry. I'll soon stop that."