Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Monday, December 28, 2015
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Granddaughter, Uncle and the Bull
Joke for the Day
My granddaughter was in daycare and refused to come
in from the playground when she was supposed to take a nap.. They called the
police on her because she was resisting a rest.
My uncle was a "Mime" who used his hands to
talk to people. They arrested him for a robbery and took him to the police
station. They had to release him because they had not told him that he had the
right to remain silent.
I wanted to cross a farmer's field to get some apples
which were on the other side.. The farmer told me "No". I begged and
offered to pay him. The farmer told me it would be free and I started across
the field. A large bull saw me and I just barely made it back ahead of the
bull. The farmer said "I told you it was free, but I did not tell you that
the bull charges."
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
My Daughter
Joke for the Day
When my daughter was dating a doctor, I told him to be
nice to her or I would start feeding her an apple a day.
This was my blonde daughter and when I told her
Christmas was going to be on Friday the first thing she said was "I hope
it isn't on the thirteenth."
This daughter was not real dumb though. She knew that
you did not need a parachute to sky-dive and she also knew that you did need a
parachute if you wanted to sky-dive twice.
Monday, December 21, 2015
My Favorite Things - AARP Style
Joke for the Day
These are a few of my favorite things.
From the spring, 2008
Collin County
This is not an original from me, but something I read and
wanted to share. It wouldn’t be so funny if it weren’t so true. Julie Andrews
(actress/vocalist) made an appearance at Radio City Music Hall
Maalox and nose drops
and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails
and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines
tied up in strings,
These are a few of my
favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts,
hearing aids and glasses,
Polident, Fixodent,
false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf
carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my
favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go
bad,
I simply remember my
favorite things,
And then I don’t feel
so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or
food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating
pads and hot meals they bring,
Back pains, confused
brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and
fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention
our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our
favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow
dim,
I simply remember the
great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel
so bad.
(Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that
lasted four minutes)
Sunday, December 20, 2015
George Carlin on Aging #4
Joke for the Day
George Carlin on Aging #4
George Carlin on Aging #4
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
George Carlin on Aging #3
Joke for the Day
George Carlin on Aging #3
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county or to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.
George Carlin on Aging #3
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county or to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.
Friday, December 18, 2015
George Carlin on Aging #2
Joke for the Day
George Carlin on Aging #2
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it is a day-by-day thing - you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards - "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
George Carlin on Aging #2
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it is a day-by-day thing - you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards - "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
Thursday, December 17, 2015
George Carlin on Aging #1
Joke for the Day
George Carlin on Aging #1
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then, the greatest day of your
life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a
ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
George Carlin on Aging #1
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then, the greatest day of your
life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a
ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
How to Properly Place New Employees
Joke of the Day
Actually, there is a lot of logic and intelligence associated with
this approach. And, many companies follow it, whether they realize it or not..............
How to Properly Place New Employees
How to Properly Place New Employees
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
5. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
6. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick
has been moved, put them in sales.
14. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
15. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
16. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate and put
them in Top Management.
17. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such away that they can neither be seen or heard from, put them in Congress.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
5. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
6. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick
has been moved, put them in sales.
14. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
15. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
16. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate and put
them in Top Management.
17. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such away that they can neither be seen or heard from, put them in Congress.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Thoughts to Ponder #4
Joke for the Day
Thoughts to Ponder #4
The problem with the gene pool is that it doesn't have a life guard.
Thoughts to Ponder #4
The problem with the gene pool is that it doesn't have a life guard.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Thoughts to Ponder #3
Joke for the Day
Thoughts to Ponder #3
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(I might add "... or play golf..."
Thoughts to Ponder #3
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
(I might add "... or play golf..."
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Thoughts to Ponder #2
Joke of the Day
Thoughts to Ponder #2
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Thoughts to Ponder #2
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Thoughts to Ponder #1
Joke of the Day
Thoughts to Ponder #1
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Thoughts to Ponder #1
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
United States of Dixie - Far West
United States of Dixie - Far West
Assorted Small States
Dave Crockett Territory
Arkansaw
Mississippi Creek
Texas
Southern R.R. Line
Tinasee Ernie Fode's home
South Mexico
Gulf of South Mexico
Assorted Small States
Dave Crockett Territory
Arkansaw
Mississippi Creek
Texas
Southern R.R. Line
Tinasee Ernie Fode's home
South Mexico
Gulf of South Mexico
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