Wayne's Favorite Jokes: 2016

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Good Choir or Not?

Joke of the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #9

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Do You or Don't You Have Children?

Joke of the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #8

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Monday, July 25, 2016

How Well Does She Sing?

Joke of the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #7

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Good Riddance?

Joke of the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #6

Miss Charlene Mason say "I Will Not Pass This Way Again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Help?

Joke for the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #5

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Not Worth Keeping?

Joke for the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #4

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Where is He?

Joke for the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #3

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On The Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Proceeds to ...?

Joke for the Day

Real Church Bulletin Gaffes #2

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Meals?

Joke for the Day

Church Bulletins #1

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Change the Goal

Joke for The Day

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Friday, June 17, 2016

OOPS

Joke for the Day

Wow. I almost went to the bathroom without my cell phone.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

To-do list

Joke for the Day

So much to do ... no desire to do it!

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

My Brain

Joke for the Day

I have a brain like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in never to be found again!

(This isn't really a joke anymore)

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Not Short

Joke for the Day

I'm not short. I'm fun sized!

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The Wonder Years

Joke for the Day

Well, I've finally reached the Wonder Years!

I wonder where my car is parked
I wonder where I left my phone
I wonder where my sunglasses are
I wonder what day it is

Monday, May 23, 2016

Ice Cream!

Joke for the Day

Ice cream is clearly God's way of saying he likes us a little bit chubby.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

True Wisdom

Joke for the Day

They are NOT grey hairs! They are WISDOM HIGHLIGHTS! I just happen to be extremely WISE!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Secrets to Success

Joke for the Day:

The secrets to happiness are a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

Friday, May 13, 2016

Call Me

Joke for the Day

Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, just call me and I'll laugh at you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

NCD

Joke for the Day

I've just been diagnosed with NCD (No Can Do)!

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Roving Thoughts Escape

Joke for the Day

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Donations?

Joke for the Day

I wish there was a way to donate fat as easy as you can donate blood.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

How Old Are You?

Joke for the Day

Some days I just wish I had:

the wisdom of a ninety year old
the body of a twenty year old
the energy of a three year old

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Do You Have Too Much?

Joke for the Day

It's possible to have too much. A man with a watch know what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Joke for the Day

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen.

Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to a 10-lb. potato sack and then to a 50-lb. sack, and finally get to where you can lift a 100-lb. sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sack, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Hearing Things?

Joke for the Day

Mother: "If you don't stop playing those drums, I'll go crazy!"

Son: "I guess it's too late. I stopped playing them an hour ago."

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Ring for Your Maid

Joke for the Day

Madge: "I love to sit in my bed and ring for the maid."

Marge: "I didn't know you had a maid."

Madge: "I don't, but I do have a bell."

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Think About It!

Joke for the Day

Use your head. It's the little things that count!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Be Careful Who You Help!

Joke for the Day

Help a man in trouble and he will never forget you -- especially the next time he's in trouble.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Saving Labor

Joke (?) of the Day

Today's greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow!

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Will Rogers meets President Calvin Coolidge

Joke for the Day

Humorist Will Rogers was once taken to the White House to meet President Calvin Coolidge. Aides cautioned him not to make any jokes because the president was said to have no sense of humor. Rogers bet one of them that he could have Coolidge laughing within 20 seconds.

When they met, the aide said, "Mr. President, may I introduce Mr. Will Rogers."

Rogers held out his hand with a questioning look. "Pardon me, I didn't quite get the name." Coolidge roared with laughter and Rogers won the wager.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Explaining Puns

Joke for the Day

Explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard because they always take things literally.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Budgets

Joke for the Day

A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Going the Wrong Way?

Joke for the Day

Joe was driving down the freeway when his car phone ran. "Hello?"

"Joe?" It was his wife. "I just heard on the radio that police say there's a car going the wrong way down Route 280. Isn't that the highway you're on?"

"Sure is," Joe said. "And it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them."