From DL in Iowa printed in the July 2011 issue of Country Extra:
A mother had a free-spirited boy who hated naps. Worse, he didn't like pants. Many times she'd go to his room and instead of finding him tucked into bed, she'd find his pants tucked into his bed.
One day, after finding an abandoned pair of pants in her son's bed, she heard noises coming from the basement. The boy was still a little too young to handle stairs alone, so she ran to the basement door, flung it open and called down in a frantic voice.
"Are you running around down there without your pants?"
"No, ma'am," a man's voice replied. "I'm reading your meter, and I promise I've got mine on."
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
CORN BALL HUMOR
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed..
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ...
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed..
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ...
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Man in Demand
From KAB of Kansas printed in the July issue of Country Extra:
"Boss, I need a raise," said the employee. "There are three other companies after me."
"Oh, really?" asked his boss. "And just which companies would be interested in you?"
"The phone company, the electric company and the gas company," replied the employee.
"Boss, I need a raise," said the employee. "There are three other companies after me."
"Oh, really?" asked his boss. "And just which companies would be interested in you?"
"The phone company, the electric company and the gas company," replied the employee.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sinking Wisdom
From Ms. Matz of WA published in the July 2011 issue of Country Extra:
An old farmer is walking through town and stops to browse the signs in the hardware store window. The biggest sign, up at the top, reads: "Cast Iron Sinks."
"Well!" scoffs the farmer. "Everybody knows that."
An old farmer is walking through town and stops to browse the signs in the hardware store window. The biggest sign, up at the top, reads: "Cast Iron Sinks."
"Well!" scoffs the farmer. "Everybody knows that."
Monday, July 18, 2011
Strange Snack
From July 2011 issue of Country Extra, submitted by U Hoffer of MN:
Quite often my neighbor brings me a cookie or some other treat, which I much appreciate.
One day she came over with something wrapped in a napkin. I thanked her, then peeked inside and saw what looked like some kind of cookie. It was partly squashed from when she wrapped it, but it looked tasty enough, covered with what appeared to be toasted coconut.
I said, "Now tell me what it is so I can eat it."
She looked surprised, then said, "It's a begonia bulb."
Quite often my neighbor brings me a cookie or some other treat, which I much appreciate.
One day she came over with something wrapped in a napkin. I thanked her, then peeked inside and saw what looked like some kind of cookie. It was partly squashed from when she wrapped it, but it looked tasty enough, covered with what appeared to be toasted coconut.
I said, "Now tell me what it is so I can eat it."
She looked surprised, then said, "It's a begonia bulb."
Friday, July 15, 2011
Did you ever wonder ...
OK. Technically this is not a joke, but I do laugh every time I talk about these things with anyone.
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to see a 1500-2000 pound animal (a horse for example) and say, "I think I'll hop on its back and see what it does"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to bungee jump? And why????????
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of its butt"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to jump out of a plane? And why????????
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to see a 1500-2000 pound animal (a horse for example) and say, "I think I'll hop on its back and see what it does"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to bungee jump? And why????????
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of its butt"?
Did you ever wonder who was the first person to jump out of a plane? And why????????
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Golfers will understand
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble."
Monday, July 11, 2011
A lesson from the zoo
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"
The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"
The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Friday, July 8, 2011
A little boy choosing where to live
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied. "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Finally, the boy replied. "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Cold is relative
+65 - Floridians turn on the heat; people in Wisconsin plant gardens
+60 - Californians shiver; people in Wisconsin sunbathe
+50 - Italian and English cars won't start; people in Wisconsin drive with windows down
+40 - Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, hats; people in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt
+35 - NY Landlords turn up the heat; people in Wisconsin have cookouts
+20 - all people in Miami die; people in Wisconsin close the windows
Zero - Californians fly to Mexico; people in Wisconsin get out their winter coats
-10 - Hollywood disintegrates; Girl Scouts in Wisconsin sell cookies door-to-door
-20 - Washington DC runs out of hot air; people in Wisconsin let their dogs sleep inside
-30 - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole; peopl in Wisconsin get upset if their snowmobiles won't start
-40 - ALL atomic motion stops; people in Wisconsin say "Cold enough fer ya?"
-50 - Hell freezes over; Wisconsin public schools open 2 hours late
These are only SOME of the reason I don't live in Wisconsin - or anywhere NORTH!!!!
+60 - Californians shiver; people in Wisconsin sunbathe
+50 - Italian and English cars won't start; people in Wisconsin drive with windows down
+40 - Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, hats; people in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt
+35 - NY Landlords turn up the heat; people in Wisconsin have cookouts
+20 - all people in Miami die; people in Wisconsin close the windows
Zero - Californians fly to Mexico; people in Wisconsin get out their winter coats
-10 - Hollywood disintegrates; Girl Scouts in Wisconsin sell cookies door-to-door
-20 - Washington DC runs out of hot air; people in Wisconsin let their dogs sleep inside
-30 - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole; peopl in Wisconsin get upset if their snowmobiles won't start
-40 - ALL atomic motion stops; people in Wisconsin say "Cold enough fer ya?"
-50 - Hell freezes over; Wisconsin public schools open 2 hours late
These are only SOME of the reason I don't live in Wisconsin - or anywhere NORTH!!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Baseball Quotes
Ninety percent of this game is half mental. Yogi Berra
Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees. Tom Trebelhorn
I watch a lot of baseball on radio. Gerald Ford
Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. Tim McCarver
Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak sunrise past a rooster. Yogi Berra
All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a double-header. George F. Will
Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. Yogi Berra
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. Yogi Berra
Well, it took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball, and I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. Hank Aaron
Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees. Tom Trebelhorn
I watch a lot of baseball on radio. Gerald Ford
Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. Tim McCarver
Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak sunrise past a rooster. Yogi Berra
All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a double-header. George F. Will
Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. Yogi Berra
So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. Yogi Berra
Well, it took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball, and I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. Hank Aaron
Monday, July 4, 2011
When you retire, you mind wanders ....
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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