A Nun is said to have graded these papers 1-5

From a Catholic Elementary School test (as it was presented to me):

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guiness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
5. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy ... 9-16

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what is the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy ... 1-8

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Farmer's Advice 21-26

21. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
22. Always drink upstream from the herd.
23. Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
24. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
25. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
26. Live simply; love generously; care deeply; speak kindly.

Farmer's Advice 11-20

11. Every path has a few puddles.
12. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
13. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
14. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
15. Don't judge folks by their relatives.
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
18. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
19. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Farmer's Advice 1-10

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
2. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
3. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
4. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
5. Words that soak into your ears are whispered ... not yelled.
6. Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
7. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
8. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
9. It don't take a very big person to hold a grudge.
10. You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Simple Instructions 8-14

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
10. On most brands of Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only"
11. On a Japaneses food processor - "Not to be used for the other use"
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts"
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"
14. On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"