Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #1

I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #1

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computer." - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." - editor of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" - Engineering at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

Adult Truths to Think About #1

Sometimes I'll look at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Nothing is worse than that moment in an argument when you realize you are wrong.

I totally take back all those time I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is a great need for a 'sarcasm' font.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning 'cursive' really necessary?

Steven Wright #7

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

Steven Wright #6

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu". The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Steven Wright #5

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I went to a garage sale. I asked how much for the garage. They told me it wasn't for sale.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Steven Wright #4

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

Droughts are because God didn't pay His water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The sign said "Eight items of less" so I changed my name to Les.

Steven Wright #3

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

Steven Wright #2

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Steven Wright #1

When I was in the Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

Who's the Best Man?

Readers Digest, July 2013 quote from Jerry Seinfeld:

"I was the best man at the wedding. If I was the best man, why is she marrying him?"

TV?

Readers Digest, July 2013 - All in a Day's Work - submitted by S. A., Naples, FL:

Because a lunar eclipse was scheduled for that evening, I told my students that their homework assignment was to go look at it. One of them asked, "What channel is it on?"

Spousal Communications

From the July, 2013 Readers Digest - Laughter, the Best Medicine from @WilliamAder:

"You know that guy who looks like that other guy in that show we used to like? He died."

That's how my wife and I communicate.

Rich or Poor?

Maxine: "Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."