2013 Darwin Awards

Glorious Winner:

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliott did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

Honorable Mentions

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and also lost a finer. The chef's claim was approved.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #2:

"Homicide victims rarely talk to police"

"17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree"

"Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 pound ball on his head"

"Bridges help people cross rivers"

"City unsure why the sewer smells"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #4:

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Person: "It says 'Hit ENTER when ready."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #4:

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." - Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable problem by inventing the Nautilus

"Drill for oil?" You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." - Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

Adult Truths to Think About #4:

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear get dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone and pinning the tail on the donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Steven Wright #10:

I put hardwood floors on my wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So, what did you think?"

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones?

Facts of Life #3

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Seen it all; done it all; can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Thoughts to Ponder #3

The trouble with being in the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional!

Random Thinking

I just watched my dog chase its tail for 5 minutes and I thought 'Dogs are easily entertained.' Then I realized I was just watching my dog chase its tail for 5 minutes!

Instead of John, I call my bathroom Jim. It sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing in the morning.

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin ... and muffins are healthy.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.

The internet went down and I had to spend time with the family. They seem like good people.

Based on my calculations, I can retire about 5 years after I die.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #1

Diana was still Alive Hours Before she Died

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Homeless survive winter: Now what?

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #3:

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #3:

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America like crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." - response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M 'Post-It" Notepads

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So, then, we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

Adult Truths to Think About #3:

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I wish Google Maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Steven Wright #9:

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

Facts of Life #2

If you are given a take home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It my be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Sky's law: You can't fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Thoughts to Ponder #2

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. She's strange and I'm wonderful - or should that be that I'm strange and she's wonderful?

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #2

1st person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st person: "Well, I sent a fax and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again and the same thing happened."
2nd person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #2

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Samoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-informed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face, not Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

Adult Truths to Think About #2

Map Quest and Google Maps really need to start their instructions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.

Steven Wright #8:

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Facts of Life #1:

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If their OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.

Thoughts to Ponder #1:

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself, "Where's the ceiling?"