Meat and Potatoes

Joke for the Day

Grrrr!

Joke for the Day

Maxine on Aging

Joke for the Day

Caution Sign

Joke for the Day

Suffocation

Joke for the Day

Senior Campbell's

Joke for the Day

Maxine - Paying Taxes

Joke for the Day

Maxine - Paying Taxes

Maxine - Right Side of the Bed

Joke for the Day

Granddaughter, Uncle and the Bull

Joke for the Day

My granddaughter was in daycare and refused to come in from the playground when she was supposed to take a nap.. They called the police on her because she was resisting a rest.

My uncle was a "Mime" who used his hands to talk to people. They arrested him for a robbery and took him to the police station. They had to release him because they had not told him that he had the right to remain silent.

I wanted to cross a farmer's field to get some apples which were on the other side.. The farmer told me "No". I begged and offered to pay him. The farmer told me it would be free and I started across the field. A large bull saw me and I just barely made it back ahead of the bull. The farmer said "I told you it was free, but I did not tell you that the bull charges."

My Daughter

Joke for the Day

When my daughter was dating a doctor, I told him to be nice to her or I would start feeding her an apple a day.

This was my blonde daughter and when I told her Christmas was going to be on Friday the first thing she said was "I hope it isn't on the thirteenth."

This daughter was not real dumb though. She knew that you did not need a parachute to sky-dive and she also knew that you did need a parachute if you wanted to sky-dive twice.

My Favorite Things - AARP Style

Joke for the Day

From the spring, 2008 Collin County Senior Resource Guide:

This is not an original from me, but something I read and wanted to share. It wouldn’t be so funny if it weren’t so true. Julie Andrews (actress/vocalist) made an appearance at Radio City Music Hall for a benefit of the AARP. One of the musicals she performed was from her movie Sound of Music. The title of the song is My Favorite Things. (We all remember the songs from that movie) Here are the actual lyrics she used that night:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in strings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

 These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,

And we won’t mention our short, shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,

When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

I simply remember the great life I’ve had,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

(Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted four minutes)

George Carlin on Aging #4

Joke for the Day

George Carlin on Aging #4

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin on Aging #3

Joke for the Day

George Carlin on Aging #3

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county or to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

George Carlin on Aging #2

Joke for the Day

George Carlin on Aging #2

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it is a day-by-day thing - you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards - "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" 

George Carlin on Aging #1

Joke for the Day

George Carlin on Aging #1

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then, the greatest day of your
life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a
ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

How to Properly Place New Employees

Joke of the Day

Actually, there is a lot of logic and intelligence associated with this approach. And, many companies follow it, whether they realize it or not..............

How to Properly Place New Employees

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

5. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

6. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

7. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

8. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

9. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

10. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

11. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

12. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

13. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick
has been moved, put them in sales.

14. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

15. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

16. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate and put
them in Top Management.

17. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such away that they can neither be seen or heard from, put them in Congress.

Thoughts to Ponder #4

Joke for the Day

Thoughts to Ponder #4

The problem with the gene pool is that it doesn't have a life guard.

Thoughts to Ponder #3

Joke for the Day

Thoughts to Ponder #3

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

(I might add "... or play golf..."

Thoughts to Ponder #2

Joke of the Day

Thoughts to Ponder #2

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Thoughts to Ponder #1

Joke of the Day

Thoughts to Ponder #1

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

United States of Dixie - Far West

United States of Dixie - Far West

Assorted Small States
Dave Crockett Territory
Arkansaw
Mississippi Creek
Texas
Southern R.R. Line
Tinasee Ernie Fode's home
South Mexico
Gulf of South Mexico

United States of Dixie - Midwest

Joke of the Day

United States of Dixie - Midwest

Caintucky - fast hosses and cawn still
Tin-A-See - Lynchbug - home of Jack Dani'l
Alabam - Bumingham
Ole- Mis-Sip-I
Luzy-Anna

The United States of Dixie - Atlantic Coast:

Jokes

The United States of Dixie

Atlantic Coast:

Virginny
Nawth Calinah
South Calinah
Jawja
Fawt Sumptuh
Swanee River

The United States of Dixie - North of the Mason-Dixon Line:

Joke of the Day

North of the Mason-Dixon Line:

New Yawk
Nawth
Gettysburg (avoid this place. Natives unfriendly)
Dave Crockett Territory
Assorted Small States

Dixie Dictionary - tin-sin-stow

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary --

tin-sin-stow - (5&10) - let's go in the tin-sin-stow

Dixie Dictionary - thud

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary - thud --

what comes after 2nd as "this is only my thud mint julep".

Dixie Dictionary - stow

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary:

stow - a place that sells stuff

Dixie Dictionary - rat cheer

Joke of the Day

Rat Cheer - (not there) - like "lay it rat cheer."

Dixie Dictionary - pin

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary - pin

pin - whut you keep hawgs in - a hawg pin

Dixie Dictionary - lot

Joke of the Day

Dixie Dictionary - lot

Lot - un-dark, like in "Jeannie has lot-brown hair."

Dixie Dictionary - ice cool

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary - ice cool

ice cool - a school for younguns before college

Dixie Dictionary - heaven

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary - heaven

Heaven - A'm heaven some folds in foah dinnah.

Dixie Dictionary - gull

Joke for the Day

Dixie Dictionary

Gull - a young female human

Dixie Dictionary - far

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - far

far - a burnin' pile of sticks

Dixie Dictionary - fussed

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - fussed

fussed - whut comes before second

Dixie Dictionary - did

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - did

did - (not alive) - as "He's did."

Dixie Dictionary - cheer

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - cheer

cheer - (whut you sit on) - Pull up a cheer and set down.

Dixie Dictionary - cad

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - cad

cad - (to tote) as "I cad my bride over the threshold."

Dixie Dictionary - balks

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - balks

(a square thing to hold stuff) - like a "match balks"

Dixie Dictionary - braid

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - braid

braid - (lot braid) - what you eat when u'ins is out of biscuits

Dixie Dictionary - barn

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - barn:

hatched - as in "I was barn in Kentucky."

Dixie Dictionary - abode

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - abode

A piece of wood, as "han me a bode to hit this mule."

Dixie Dictionary - ax

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - ax

(question) - "Ah ax you this."

Dixie Dictionary - Auto

Joke for the Day:

Dixie Dictionary - Auto

(should) - "I auto go to work, but Ahm tared."

Touch It

Joke for the Day

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #23

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #23
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You start looking for signs of middle age.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #22

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #22
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You realize that people don't even think of you.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #21

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #21
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You don't care what people think of you.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #20

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #20
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

A number of your friends are starting to get gray - prematurely, of course.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #19

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #19
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Your favorite part of the news is the weather forecast.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #18

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #18
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.

You notice that they don't make clothes as well as they used to; they shrink so easily now.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #17

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #17
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.

A car just like the one you courted in is the hit of the antique show.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #16

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #16
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.

Your kids check out your closet when they have retro days at school.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #15

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #15
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.

You start looking into your company's retirement plan.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #14

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #14
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.

Young persons come to you for advice on child rearing.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #13

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #13
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Your favorite rock music is on tapes which sell for $2.99 in the clearance bins of a local discount store.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #12

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #12
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You want to go to the mall only when you have something to buy, and when you have something to buy it with.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #11

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #11
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

What you studied as current events is now covered in World History classes.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #10

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #10
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Some of your childhood toys are becoming collectors' items.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #9

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #9
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Whenever you're crabby you start to wonder if it's the beginning of your midlife crisis.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #8

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #8
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You stock up on Dr. Scholl's products when they are on sale.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #7

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #7
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You meet with old school friends and compare bifocals.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #6

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #6
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Your idea of a great Saturday night is to get all the laundry folded and put away.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #5

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #5
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You notice yourself hanging around with an older crowd lately.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #4

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #4
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You realize you have finally arrived, but you're not quite sure you want to be there.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #3

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #3
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

Your kids always stay up long after you are sound asleep.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #2

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #2
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You become a two heating pad family.

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs #1

Joke of the Day

Middle Age is Not for Sissies - a Few Signs  #1
from Shirley, you jest, by Shirley Miers,
North Suburban Herald - 1/31/1990
(I'm guessing it's from north of New Orleans where we lived then.)

You find the golden oldies on the radio sometime getting too wild for you.

Got That?

Joke of the Day

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure your realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #9

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #9

You finally know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #6

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #6

The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #8

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #8

You have too much room in the house but not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #7

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #7

You sink your teeth into a T-bone steak and they stay there.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #5

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #5

Dialing a long distance number wears you out.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #4

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #4

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #3

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #3

Your children begin to look middle aged.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #2

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #2

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #1

Joke of the Day

Ways to Know You're Getting Older #1

You back goes out more than you do.

Woman's Intuition

Joke of the Day

Woman's intuition is
Something she's got
Which guarantees she's right
Even when she's not.

Perspective

Joke of the Day

Two flies were resting and chatting on the ceiling.

"Humans are so silly," the first fly said. "They spend all this money building a beautiful ceiling like this and then walk on the floor!"

The Past

Joke of the Day

Living in the past has its points. It is certainly cheaper.

A Stupid Boss?

Joke of the Day

Many who complain the boss is stupid would be out of a job if he was any smarter.

Spanking

Joke (?) of the Day

The quickest way to be convinced that spanking is unnecessary is to become a grandparent.

Think or Know?

Joke for the Day

It generally takes 50% longer to tell what you think than to tell what you know.

Engage Brain

Joke for the Day

Sign on a factory supervisor's office door:

Caution -- be sure brain is engaged before putting your mouth in gear.

(It might have been nice to learn this when I was a teenager)

Rats

Joke of the Day

I often stop and ponder
On the Rat Race that I'm in
And then I get to figger'n
Those dadburned Rats'll win!

Bald or Gray?

Joke for the Day

POME

Why view Bald Heads
With such dismay --
At any rate
They'll never get gray!

Take a Hike

Joke for the Day

Take a Hike

Father: "When I was a small boy, I thought nothing of a ten mile hike."

Son: "Well, dad, I don't think so much of it myself."

Get the Diagnosis Correct

Joke for the Day:

A man went to his dotor complaining that he was too tired to do his job. The doctor conducted a complete examination, but couldn't find anything wrong.

"I think the problem is that you're just lazy," he said.

The man sighed. "Now could you give me the medical term so I can tell my boss?"

Paint

Joke for the Day

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

Noodles

Joke of the Day

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An impasta.

Elephants

Joke of the Day:

Elephants

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

A: Irrelephant.

Uniform Issue

Joke of the Day:

Q: Who worries that his uniform makes him look fat?

A: An insecurity guard.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #11

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #11

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #10

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #10

 Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #9

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #9

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #8

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #8

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #7

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #7

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barged up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #6

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #6

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #5

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #5

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. The plagues included frog, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave the His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don' lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #4

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #4

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #3

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #3

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. 

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #2

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #2


Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and 

Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't 

been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so there driven 

from the Garden of Eden...Not sure what they were driven in though, 

because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who 

hated his broker as long as he was Abel.

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #1

Joke of the Day

As a child once said, quoting the Bible (his/her way) #1

"In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says: 'The Lord thy God is one", but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light' and someone did."

Holiday Specials?

Joke of the Day

Holiday Specials?

Mother: "Johnny, how come you have lower marks in January that you had in December?"

Johnny: "Oh, you know. Everything is marked down after the holidays."

Talkative Teacher

Joke of the Day

Talkative Teacher

Teacher: "Dickie, you can't sleep in my class!"

Dickie: "I know it. You talk too much."

The Effective Doctor

Joke of the Day

The Effective Doctor

Patient: "Doc, I have trouble breathing."

Doctor: "Don't worry. I'll soon stop that."

What Do You Know?

Joke of the Day

Small Boy: "My father and I know everything in the world."

Older Boy: "All right. If you're so smart, where is Africa?"

Small Boy: (after some hard thinking) "That's one of the things my father knows."

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #12

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #12

Please excuse Diana from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with Gramps.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #11

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #11

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #10

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #10

Carlose was absent yesterday because he was planning football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #9

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #9

Please excuse Joey Monday. He had loose vowels.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #8

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #8

Lillie is absent from school yesterday as she had a going over.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #7

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #7

Please excuse Joyce from Jum today. She is adminstrating.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #6

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #6

Please excuse Blance from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell and misplace her hip.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #5

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #5

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take PE (physical education). Please execute him.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #4

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #4

I kape Bille Hove because she had to Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she wear.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #3

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #3

John has been absent because he has two teath taken out of his face.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #2

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH  #2

Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #1

Joke of the Day

Mothers Excuses for Their Children Missing School in Cincinnati, OH #1

Chris have an acre in his side.

Whew!

Joke of the Day

A high school freshman went to the basketball game and sat next to an attractive girl. To start a conversation, he said to her: "Do you see that man sitting down in front with the bald head? That's the principal of the school. He's the meanest man in town."

"Do you know who I am?" she asked. "I'm his daughter."

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

She shook her head and he said, "Thank goodness."

Unhappiness

Joke of the Day

Unhappiness is buying a suit with two pairs of pants and burning a hole in the coat.

Wonder Years

Joke of the Day

These are the wonder years. But, we won't know it for 15-20 years yet!

Promises

Joke of the Day

Promises

One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises he makes.

(reminds me of the election process)

Experts

Joke of the Day

Some experts are like the bottom of a boiler - they let off a lot of steam, but don't know what's cookin'!

(Not real sure this is truly a joke :) )

Is Your Budget Sick?

Joke of the Day

If the family budget looks sick at the end of the month, it's probably something you ate.

Father or Son?

Joke of the Day

Twenty years ago I was told I wasn't as smart as my father. Today, I'm told I'm not as smart as my son. Where did I go wrong?

The Ball

Joke of the Day

The Ball

Those who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped it.

Finding Relatives

Joke of the Day:

When your ship comes in, you'll find most of your relatives waiting on the dock.

Boss

Joke of the Day

A Boss is a man who's late when you're early and early when you're late!

Changes the Sentence!

Joke for the Day

Motorist: "Your honor, I was not drunk. I had only been drinking."

Judge: "Oh, is that so? In that case, I'm going to send you to jail for only thirty days instead of a month."

Good Little Boy?

Joke of the Day

Lady: "Are you a good little boy?"

Little Boy: "No, ma'am. I'm the kind of boy my mother won't let me play with."

For the Caregiver

Joke of the Day

(Not so funny after all. You'll know what I mean!)

Doctor: "Your husband must have rest and quiet. Here's a sleeping pill."

Wife: "When do I give him this?"

Doctor: "Don't give it to him. Take it yourself."

A Good Diet?

Joke of the Day

Teenage boy: "Hey, when you had all your long hair cut off how much weight did you lose?"

Friend: "About 200 pounds! I got my father off my back."

Bye-Bye

Joke for the Day:

They say money talks - but most people will tell you that all they hear it say is "Goodbye."

Sharing an Apple

Joke of the Day

Sharing an Apple

Teacher: "Now, Johnnie, if I asked you to divide an apple with your brother and one part was bigger than the other, which would you give your brother?"

Johnnie: (after some heavy deliberation) "Do you mean my little brother or my big brother?"

Pig Pen

Joke for the Day

Farmer: "That little pig is my favorite.I've decided to call him "Ink.'"
Boy: "That's a funny name for a pig.Why do you want to call him that?"
Farmer: "Because he's always running out of the pen."

Wrong Numbers

Joke for the Day

My little brother has just written a new book: "Why are Wrong Numbers Never Busy?"

Office Party

Joke of the Day

A guy attended one of those annual office parties, which tend to get blurrier and blurrier as the evening progresses.

The next day, he was nursing a mild hangover when he received a call from the company president.

"Harry," said the top man, "I don't like to moralize and I know you don't often drink to excess. But you overdid it a bit last night and I was quite concerned about you. Tell me frankly, how did you get home?"

There was a long pause before Harry replied, "Sir, you drove me!"

Two for One

Joke of the Day

Two for One

A friend said, "She has enough brains for two!"

I replied, "She's just the one for you."

What's Your Field of Study

Joke of the Day

What's Your Field of Study

All mean study women. Some even take a post-graduate course.

Expert

Joke of the Day

Expert

An expert is a person who knows no more than you, but is better organized and has better slides.

(Maybe this explains why experts disagree?)

Husband

Joke of the Day

A husband is a man who made the wrong turn at Lovers Lane.

Engaged

Joke for the Day

Engaged:

Blonde: "Now that we're engaged, you're going to give me a ring, aren't you?"
Him: "Sure, beautiful. What's your telephone number?"

A Wise Father

Joke of the Day

A wise father is one who throws away his old grade cards.

Alimony

Joke of the Day

Definition of alimony: "The high cost of leaving."

Rest Up

Joke for the Day:

You are getting older when it takes you longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Eat Your Spinach

Joke for the Day:

Eat Your Spinach

Once there was a mother who asked her young daughter, "Do you know what happens to little girls who tell lies?"

The little girl replied, "Of course, I do. They grow up and tell their little girls they'll get curly hair if they eat their spinach."

Think Again!

Joke of the Day:

Think Again!

Hubby: "If I had to do it all over again, do you know whom I'd marry?"
Wifey: "No, whom?"
Hubby: "You!"
Wifey: "That's what you think!"

Which are You?

Joke of the Day

Which are you?

There are three classes of men: the intellectual, the handsome and the majority.

1st Day of Kindergarten

Joke of the Day:

1st Day of Kindergarten -

Pupil -- "May I go home? I'm worried about my mother. This is the first time I've left her alone."

Gave Her Away?

Joke of the Day:

Gave Her Away?

(I can relate to this one)

A father is a person who spends thousands of dollars on his daughter's wedding and then reads in the paper that he gave her away.

Teach Your Parrot to Talk

Joke of the Day:

Mother: "Why, Johnny! I do believe you are teaching that parrot to swear!"
Johnny: "No, I'm not, Mother. I'm telling it what it mustn't say."

College Handwriting Skills

Joke of the Day:

College Handwriting Skills

"Professor, what is this you wrote at the end of my paper?"

"I only suggested that you write plainer next time."

Used Cars

Joke of the Day:

(This one reminds me of my dad. He had a penchant for buying used cars, and they were rarely worth anything)

A little girl asked her mother what becomes of old cars after they can't be used any more. Her mother replied, "They sell them to your father!"

Barn Dance

Joke of the Day

Will the corn get shocked if it sees the barn dance?

States' Sights

Joke of the Day

States' Sights

Did Tennessee all that Arkansas?

Hello

Joke of the Day

Will the lipstick if the ear rings?

Linens

Joke of the Day

Linen

If the bedspread, will the pillow slip?

Resting

Joke of the Day:

If a ham hangs in the smokehouse, where will the veal loaf?

Mulberry Leaves

Joke for the Day:

Mulberry Leaves

If the Mulberry leaves, will the banana split?

Honeydew

Joke for the Day:

What will honeydew when she finds she cantaloupe?

Yeast

Joke for the Day:

If the yeast foams, why can't the cream puff?

Toothache?

Joke for the Day:

If the red rooster had a toothache, would the leghorn pullet?

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #11

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #11

When you decide to look a lot handsomer in glasses.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #10

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #10

When work is no longer play and play is getting to be work.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #9

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #9

When you have met so many people that every new person reminds you of someone else and usually is.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #8

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #8

When your wife tells you to pull in your stomach and you already have.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #7

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #7

When you are sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #6

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #6

Having a chance of two temptations you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #5

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #5

When you begin to feel friendly toward your insurance agents.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #4

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #4

When you start turning out the lights for economical rather than romantic reasons.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #3

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #3

When you'll do anything to feel better except give up what's hurting you.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #2

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #2

When you're not inclined to exercise anything but caution.

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #1

Joke for the Day:

Symptoms of Middle (or Old) Age #1

That time of life when the average man is going to start saving next month.

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#14)

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#14)

Joke of the Day:

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#14)

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Jessica, Age 8

POME

Course maybe I do have faults. My friends have so many. I may have three or four, but I just can't think of any!

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#13)

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#13)

Joke of the Day:

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#13)

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Karen, age 7

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#12)

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#12)

Joke of the Day:

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#12)

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Lauren, age 4

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#11)

Joke of the Day:

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#11)

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann, age 4

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#10)

Joke of the Day:

Love explained by age group 4-8 (#10)

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night"

Clare, age 6