Simple Instructions

1. On a Sears hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping"
2. On a bag of Fritos - "You could be a winner. No purchase necessary. Details inside"
3. On a bar of Dial soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap"
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost"
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert print on the bottom - "Do not turn upside down"
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating"
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body"

AARP Bumper Stickers - 11-16

11. Sometimes I wake up grumpy ... and some days I let him (or her) sleep.
12. Quit worrying about your health ... it'll go away
13. I must be getting older ... all the names in my phone book end with MD
14. Be nice to your children ... they will choose your nursing home.
15. Florida - God's waiting room
16. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

AARP Bumper Stickers 6-10

6. I was always taught to respect my elders. Now I don't have anyone to respect.
7. Goodbye tension! Hello pension!
8. It's nice to be here. At my age, it's nice to be anywhere.
9. That snap, crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies any more.
10. You know you're getting old when you throw a wild party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

AARP Bumper Stickers 1-5

1. I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
2. I'm in the initial stages of my gold years - SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
3. Old people Rock
4. At my age, everything comes with a lifetime guarantee.
5. With age comes wisdom ... and discounts!

Well, I'll be! That beats all!

K. Torrence of NJ submitted this to the September 2011 issue of Readers Digest:

My mother was reading about immigrants taking the oath of citizenship when she noticed something interesting. "Look at the list of names," she said. "They're all foreigners."

I couldn't make this up :)

Posted in the September 2011 issue of the Readers Digest:

from philly.com, Fresno Bee, Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia, AP

1. Philadelphia jewel thieves grabbed thousands of dollars in valuables but exited the store without their four-year-old son.

2. The escape for a Philadelphia bank bandit was made more difficult when he left the keys to his getaway car behind the teller's counter.

3. After Andrew Bawden posted bail, Australian police picked him up on two counts of burglary. They had found his police charge sheet at one burgled home and a DVD of his interrogation at another.

And, from the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

A Florida bank refused to let a man born without arms cash his wife's check even though he'd provided two forms of identification. The reason given: He couldn't provide a thumbprint.

Painful Death

From D. Hudson in KY. published in Readers Digest September 2011:

One of the deceased at our funeral home was a farmer who had suffered a heart attack while helping a cow in labor. The headline on his obituary read "Mr. Jones Dies While Giving Birth to a Calf"

Paraproskokians 22-28

22. You're never too old to learn something foolish.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Bonuses:
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Paraprosdokians 15-21

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscious is the sing of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stoke a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Paraprosdokians 8-14

8. Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evenin" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus stations is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Where I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of emergency, notify ..." I put "Doctor"
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Paraprosdokians (look it up) 1-7

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.
2. The last thing I want to do it hurt you. But it is still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speack.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The origin of the Sabbath and more

from a Catholic Elementary School test:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an Ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jesebel like Delilah.

Relax

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

Man's best friend

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Anonymous

Surgical Joke?

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'