911 Emergency Calls 5

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.


DISPATCHER: Sir, where are you calling from.
CALLER: I'm at a pay phone at North and Foster.


DISPATCHER: Sir, an ambulance is on it's way, are you asthmatic?
CALLER: No.


DISPATCHER: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
CALLER: Running from the police.

911 Emergency Calls 4

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!


DISPATCHER: Is this her first child?
CALLER: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

911 Emergency Calls 3

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven, but my phone does not have an eleven on it.


DISPATCHER: This is nine-eleven.
CALLER: I thought you said it was nine one one.

DISPATCHER: Yes, ma'am, nine one one and nine eleven are the same thing.
CALLER: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

911 Emergency Calls 2

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich and...


DISPATCHER: Excuse me!
CALLER: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom someone had taken a bite out of it.

DISPATCHER: Was anything else taken?
CALLER: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

911 Emergency Calls 1

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.


DISPATCHER: Do you have an address?
CALLER: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why do you ask?

time for a laugh 2

• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

• TEACHER: Why are you late?
• STUDENT: Class started before I got here

• TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
• GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
• TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
• GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

• TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
• WINNIE: Me!

• TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
• MILLIE: I is....
• TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say "I am..."
• MILLIE: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet"

time for a laugh 1

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old; hateful; bites!
• FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors' dog
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also 1 gay bull for sale
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake!

Things to make you think 4

• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, RAP music will be the Golden Oldies?
• Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than a Yugo
• After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead

Things to make you think 3

• There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
• There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be the right number!
• Thinks about this --- no one ever says "it's only a game" when his team is winning.
• I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap
• Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it

Things to make you think 2

• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
• Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
• Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job
• No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

Things to make you think 1

• The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow
• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail
• If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all
• Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs
• A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water

Definitions not in the dictionary 3

1. RAISIN - a grape with a sunburn
2. SECRET - something you tell to one person at a time
3. SKELETON - a bunch of bones with the person scraped off
4. TOOTHACHE - the pain that drives you to extraction
5. TOMORROW - one of the greatest labor-saving devices of today
6. YAWN - an honest opinion openly expressed
7. WRINKLES - something other people have. I have character lines

Definitions not in the dictionary 2

1. DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out
2. EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
3. HANDKERCHIEF - Cold storage
4. INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
5. MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better

Definitions not in the dictionary 1

1. ADULT - a person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle
2. BEAUTY PARLOR - a place where women curl up and dye
3. CANNIBAL - someone who is fed up with people
4. CHICKENS - the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead
5. COMMITTEE - a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Blonde jokes 3

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the guard.

"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

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A blonde's dog goes missing, and she is frantic.

Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

She replies, "Here boy!"

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An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Blonde jokes 2

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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Blonde jokes 1

A friend tells the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blondes find three grenades and they decide to take them to the police station.

One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replies, "The joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it has epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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Disorder in the Court 4

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still be alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Disorder in the Court 3

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!