Burma Shave #1

Nostalgia - For those who remember the Burma Shave signs along the roadside. For those who don't know, the signs were placed several feet apart, with one line on each sign. The company was sold in 1963 and the signs were removed. Driving down the road, we would see the first sign, the wait anxiously to see the next on. Examples:

Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car
Burma Shave

She kissed the hairbrush
By mistake
She thought it was
Her husband Jake
Burma Shave

Think about it #7

• We don't change the message. The message changes us.
• You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him/her.
• The best mathematical equation is "1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given"

Think about it #6

• He who angers you, controls you.
• If God is your co-pilot, swap seats!
• Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
• The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
• The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Think about it #5

• Forbidden fruits create many jams.
• God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.
• God grades on the cross, not the curve.
• God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts.'
• God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Think about it #4

• Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em and He'll clean 'em.
• Stop, drop and roll won't work in Hell.
• Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
• Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
• Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Think about it #3

• We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
• God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
• Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
• Peace starts with a smile
• I don't know why some people change churches. What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Think about it #2

• When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
• People are funny - they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church
• Opportunity  may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever
• Quit griping about your church. If it was perfect, you couldn't belong
• If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has

Think about it #1

• Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case
• Some people are kind, polite and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their church pew.
• Many folks want to serve God, but only as an adviser.
• It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
• The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

Musings of an old man #2

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. Did I send this to you before?????

Old man's musings #1

1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is lost, where is it?
7. It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

Retiree Health Message

1. If walking is good for your health, the postmen would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks lots of water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

My wife asked what I plan to do today, and I replied "nothing". She said, "That's what you did yesterday." So I said, "Yes, and I am not done yet."

Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent #2

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

 

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

 

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

 

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

 

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

 

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

 

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman , Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

 

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

 

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

 

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

 

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

 

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the    town?''

 

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

 

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every    airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

 

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your    map!''

 

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

 

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' 

Subject: Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent #1

A DC 'airport    ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so    much trouble!

 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

 

2.  I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and    the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to    make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

 

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ..''

His response -- click..

 

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

 

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' 

 

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''

 

I said, ''No.''

 

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' 

 

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 

Men and Women

• Q: Why do little boys whine?
• A: They're practicing to be men.
• 
  
• Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
• A: Rename the email folder "Instruction Manuals"
• 
  
• Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
• A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
• 
  
• While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world ... ... then He made the earth round.

Insults with class #4

• Charles, Ct. Talleyrand: "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
• Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
• Mark Twain: "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?"
• Mae West: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
• Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; other, whenever they go.
• Andrew Lang: "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than illumination."
• Billy Wilder: "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
• Groucho Marx: "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Insults with class #3

• Stephen Bishop: "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
• John Bright: "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
• Irvin S. Cobb: "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
• Samuel Johnson: "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
• Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
  

Insults with class #2

• William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
• Moses Hadas: "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
• Mark Twain: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
• Oscar Wilde: "He has no enemies, but it intensely disliked by his friends."
• George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one."
• Churchill responded: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

Insults with class #1

• The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
• A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." Disraeli responded, "That depends, sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
• Walter Kerr: "He had delusions of adequacy."
• Winston Churchill: "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
• Clarence Darrow: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

More Headlines #6

• Police arrest everyone on February 22nd
• Rally against apathy draws small crowd
• Starvation can lead to health hazards
• The bra celebrates a pair of historic milestones this year
• Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio
• Rangers get whiff of Colon

More Headlines #5

• Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf
• Hospitals resort to hiring doctors
• Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem
• New sick policy requires 2-day notice
• Parents keep kids home to protest school closure