Choose your words wisely

My wife and I had words. I didn't get to use mine.

Change can be good

Answering machine message: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Playing it Safe

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir. With my life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.

Q: And do you have locker in the room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #4

15. Law of Locations: No matter where you go, there you are.
16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible, if you don't know what you are saying.
17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find something you really like, they stop making it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #3

11. Theater Rule: At any event, people whose seat is farthest from the aisle will arrive last.
12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in the locker room, it will be side by side lockers for them.
14. Law of Dirty Carpets: The chances of an open faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a carpet are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #2

6. Variation Law: If you change lanes in traffic, the one you were in will start to move faster.
7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water the phone will ring.
8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9. Law of Result: When you try to prove that a machine won't work then it will.
10. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is beyond the ability to reach it.

Unavoidable Natural Laws #1

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After you get your hands coated with grease your nose will start to itch or you need to go to the bathroom.
2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number it is never busy.
5. Law of Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

It runs in the family

A woman goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The woman replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the woman to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the woman. He looks out from his office and see the woman crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the woman. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too."

Hot and Cold

A blonde (or hillbilly) was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She (or he) was quite fascinated by it, so she/he picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow", said the blonde (hillbilly), "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So he/she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her/his boss saw it on her/his desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she/he replied.

Her/his boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde (or hillbilly) replied "Two Popsicles and some coffee."

How to repair dents in your car

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late on night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun to my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Cold Winter?

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."

Two Blondes With Hammers

Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Lisa explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Judy got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

Blondes are back #1

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

2013 politically correct language

• She does not nag you - she becomes verbally repetitive
• He does not have a beer gut - he has developed a liquid grain storage facility
• He does not get lost all the time - he investigates alternative destinations
• He is not balding - he is in follicle regression

Hillbillies

Being politically correct in 2013 means you can no longer refer to Kentuckians, Tennesseans or West Virginians as hillbillies. You must now refer to them as Appalachian-Americans.

Stop the Presses

Readers Digest, February 2013:

Some mistakes make the headlines; other are the headlines:

• Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" - La Crosse Tribune (WI)
• Poverty, Hunger Go Together - Advertiser (Bastrop, TX; submitted by Jeneva Leifester)
• Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing - Daily Herald, Provo UT

A New Minister's Plea

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by V. Nifong, Auburndale, FL:

Our new minister pleaded with the congregation for help on a church project. After weeks with few takers, he called our house with the deeply felt, if not diplomatic, request: "I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for volunteers and wonder if you might be able to help?"

Generation Gap

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States, submitted by Julie, R., Grand Rapids, MI:

My five-year-old son was badgering us to get him an iPad. "My friend brought his to school, and I want one, too," he insisted.

"Absolutely not," said my husband. "They're expensive and fragile. Besides, what would you even do with an iPad?"

Our son replied, "I'd put it over my eye and play pirates with my friends."

Can You Hear Me Now?

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States from mobileinsurance.co.uk:

Make sure to get insurance for your smart phone. The people did, and here are the claims they filed:

• A farmer said his iPhone had disappeared inside the back end of one of his cows - he'd been using the light on his phone to assist the cow during calving. The phone later made an appearance, but was damaged.
• A woman baked her Android phone into a cake she'd been making for her daughter's birthday.
• A couple reenacting the "I'm the king of the world!" scene from Titanic lost their phone over the side of the cruise ship while taking a photo of themselves.

Dry Roast Chicken

Readers Digest, February 2013, Life in These United States submitted by Pam Brennan, Stratford, NJ:

My husband will not be confused for Jamie Oliver anytime soon. Before I ran off to work, I gave him detailed instructions on how to cook dinner. That evening, I returned home to find a dry chicken roasting in the oven next to a Pyrex measuring cup full of water.

"What's that doing there?" I asked.

Clearly offended, he sputtered, "You told me to put the chicken in the oven with a cup of water!"