Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #8:

This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first.. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth.

Punography #1:

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

2013 Darwin Awards #4:

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block though a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. so he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be their on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on tape.

Steven Wright #14:

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings like "Boy with a Pail" and "Kitten on Fire".

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't sell me anything specifically.

List of Reasons #1:

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 thousand that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thoughts to Ponder #7:

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #7:

I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC.

I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing.

She said, "never mind" and hung up.

So I got my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.

2013 Darwin Awards #3:

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer was $15. (If someone points a gun and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

Steven Wright #13:

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

Thoughts to Ponder #6:

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Just because you are paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you..

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #4:

"New sick policy requires 2-day notice"

"Parents keep kids home to protest school closure"

"Starvation can lead to health hazards"

"The bra celebrates a pair of historic milestones this year"

"Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio"

"Rangers get a whiff of Colon" (baseball pitcher)

"Miracle cure kills fifth patient"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #6:

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

2013 Darwin Awards #2:

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Steven Wright #12:

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say 'I think I might have written that.'"

"So, do I live around here often?"

"I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!"

"When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child - eventually."

(Referring to a glass of water) "I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"

Thoughts to Ponder #5:

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding though peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

Interesting Real Newspaper Headlines #3:

"Meeting on open meetings is closed"

"Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives a New Attorney"

"Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf"

"Hospitals resort to hiring doctors"

"Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem"

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #5:

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

Actual Quotes from Great Minds #5

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon." - Sir John Eric Erickson, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay for Microsoft." - IBM, 1982

Steven Wright #11:

If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

In my house there's a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else, when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's book ... not on purpose.

Facts of Life #4:

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Thoughts to Ponder #4:

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen or King.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.

Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?