What????????2

• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
• The short fortune teller escaping from prison was a small medium at large
• A thief that stole a calendar got twelve months
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal
• A thief stealing corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

What????????

• Police were called to a day care center where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference
• The butcher backed into the grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Crazy Headlines

From the June, 2012 edition of Readers Digest:

• "Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers" ... The Tennessean
• "Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many"...St. Petersburg Times
• "Motorcycle Deaths Drop, but Trend is Worrisome"...yahoo.com
• "Woman with Arms Held"...Times of India
• "Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply"... Sandusky Register

Unanswered Questions #3

1. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers us. Toothpicks?
2. Why do they put pictures of crminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
3. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
4. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
5. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Unanswered Questions #2

1. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
2. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
3. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
4. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
5. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Unanswered Questions #1

1. Ever wonder about people who spend $2.00 (or more) on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards (Naive)
2. There are 3 religious truths:
• Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
• Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith
• Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store
3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
4. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
5. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one on tenty-one?

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #7

• I was late for class because the bell rang before I got here!!
• I was late for school 5 days in a row when I was seven. My excuses were a flat tire four days in a row, and on the final day, all the clocks in the house stopped at once, and I was unable to tell the time.
• Please excuse my son for being absent from school yesterday as he was home sick with the flue.
• Please excuse Ricky from school yesterday. He had spilled gasoline on his stomach and was afraid he would explode.
• Please excuse my sister/daughter from school. We told her that her mother is her grandma, her sister is her mother and daddy is still daddy this weekend and she hasn't come out of her bedroom since.
• Please excuse Dan Druff from school today. He is having a bad case of Lice.

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #6

• 'Please excuse Casey from school. It was Take Your Daughter to work day. I don't have a job, so I made her stay home and do housework.'
• 'Please excuse my daughter from school yesterday and P.E. forever. She had a very bad asthma attach running in P.E. because the coach made her run too much. Please excuse her from P.E. even though the doctor says she needs it.'
• 'Please excuse Ryan's absents he has smoked too much weed over the last few days and is extremely tired.'
• 'Johnny was late today because of a shallow gene pool'
• 'I was absent because I got my head caught in the power window of the car.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #5

'Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.'..........Please excuse Jackie for not having her homework she was a little under the weatherman, and there was a big flurry in Central America.'..........'I didn't come to school yesterday because I was feeling like I was going to be sick, but thankfully I wasn't.'..........Please excuse my daughter for being late. Her broom won't start so I had to send it back to Salem for repairs.'..........Please excuse Eric from school on May 5th thru May 19th, he was waiting in line for the new Star Wars film, you will be happy to know he got tickets for next September, when he will be missing another week of school while he waits for the perfect seat.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #4

'Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.'...........'Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.'..........Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.'..........'Maryann was absent since December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister is also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be soemthing going around, her father even got hot last night.'..........'George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #3

'Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.'..........'Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.'..........'Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.'..........'My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.'...........'Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and couldn't breed well.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #2

'Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.'..........'Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.'..........'Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.'...........'Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.'..........'Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.'

Idle Thinking by a Retiree

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it ******************** I had amnesia once---or twice ******************** I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? ******************** Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ******************** All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy ******************** If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. ******************** What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? ******************** They told me I was gullible and I believed them. ******************** Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ******************** Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ******************** One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ******************** My weight is perfect for my height-- which varies. ******************** I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ******************** How can there be self-help "groups"? ******************** If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ******************** Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ******************** Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? ********************

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..... 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!". 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!". Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humour didn't have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless", with a big smile on his face. "IN GOD WE TRUST"

What love means to a child #18

A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there........When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'..........

What love means to a child #17

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean ti, you should say it a lot. People forget.'...........Jessica, age 8

What love means to a child #16

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'.......Karen, age 7

What love means to a child #15

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'........Laura, age 4

What love means to a child #14

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'.....Mary Ann, age 4

What love means to a child #13

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'.........Chris, age 7