More Headlines #4

• Meeting on open meetings closed
• Man Accused of Killing Lawyer Receives New Attorney
• Puerto Rican teen named mistress of the universe
• Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum - "We had no idea anyone was buried there"
• Meat head resigns (Washington, the head of the federal agency overseeing meat and poultry inspections)

More Headlines #3

• Cow urine makes for juicy lemons
• Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head
• Bridges help people cross rivers
• City unsure why sewer smells
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances

More Headlines #2

• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
• Marijuana issue sent to joint committee
• Homeless survive winter: Now what?
• Homicide victims rarely talk to police
• 17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree

More Headlines #1

• Diana (princess) Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died
• Missippi's literacy program show improvement
• Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs
• Illiteracy an abstable, study finds
• Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Now I understand why there is a communication gap!

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Very Punny #5

• A vulture carrying on two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger."
• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
• Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes. I'm positive."
• There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Very Punny #4

• The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
• A backward poet writes inverse
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion
• If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine

Very Punny #3

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other "You stay her; I'll go on a head."
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass!"
• The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Very Punny #2

• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended in a tie.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

Very Punny #1

• The fattest knight in King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math destruction.
• No matter how much you push the envelope it'll still be stationery.

GO TEAM!

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "OHIO STATE!"

Did I read that right? #7

• Headline: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Headline: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Headline: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Headline: Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right? #5

• Headline: Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Headline: Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Headline: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Headline: Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• Headline: New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Did I read that sign right? #4

• Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Headline: Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Headline: Miners Refuse to Work After Death
• Headline: Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Headline: War Dims Hope for Peace

Did I read that sign right? #3

• Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
• On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work
• Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
• SGV Tribune headline: Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
• Headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Did I read that sign right? #2

• Outside a secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
• Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
• Spotted in a safari park: Elephants, please stay in your car
• Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor
• Notice in a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

Did I read that sign right? #1

• "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below"
• In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothe when the light goes out"
• In a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs"
• In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken"
• In an office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board"

Nothing like Good Communications!

From January 2013 Readers Digest, Laughter, the Best Medicine, submitted by C. Hiscox, Hemel Hempstead, Great Britain:

A wife texts her husband on a frosty winter's morning, "Windows frozen!"

Her husband texts back, "Pour lukewarm water over it."

Five minutes later comes her reply, "Computer completely messed up now."

But it does fit!

From Readers Digest, January 2013 - Laughter, the Best Medicine, submitted by D Golightly, South Shields, Great Britain:

The woman sashays out of the bedroom modeling a lovely garment.

"Look at this!" she says to her husband. "I've had it for 20 years, and it still fits."

Her husband nods. "It's a scarf."

How About That!

From Readers Digest, January 2013, All in a Day's Work, submitted by T. Balcom, Spokane Valley, WA:

A waiter at our diner was called over by his customer.

"Can you take this dish back?" the customer asked. "I don't like it."

"I'm sorry. What's wrong with it?" asked the waiter.

"It's the hash browns. They taste like potatoes."

English Witerature #2

From January 2013 Readers Digest, submitted by M. Wisnewski:

Intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, from the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:

Tucked in a dim corner of Th Ample Bounty Bar & Grille, Alice welcomed the fervent touch of the mysterious stranger's experienced hands because she had not been this close with a man in an achingly long time and, quivering breathlessly, began to think that this could be the beginning of something real, something forever, and not just a one-time encounter with a good Samaritan who was skilled t the Heimlich Maneuver.

English Witerature #1

From January 2013 Readers Digest, submitted by L. Boatright "Intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, from the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest":

Corinne consider the colors (palest green, gray and lavender) and texture (downy as the finest velvet) and wondered, "How long have these cold cuts been in my refrigerator?"