2013 Stella Awards #6:

2013 Stella Awards #6:

Second Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her  two front front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses.

Steven Wright #21:

Steven Wright #21:

For a while, I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I this the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replace the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

2013 Stella Awards #5:

Third Place:

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier in an argument.

Steven Wright #20:

I bought a house on a one-way, dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

My house is made of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have the leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

2013 Stella Awards #4:

Fifth Place:

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days  and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching.

Steven Wright #19:

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. So I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

All the plants in my house are dead. I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with  ice cubes.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

2013 Stella Awards #3:

Sixth Place:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, CA, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Steven Wright #18:

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere..

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. she said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

In my house there's a light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, tough it. It feels real."

List of Reasons #5:

And thanks to your advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ...

A South African scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!