Original Nominees

White House Chief of Staff - Mike Tyson
Secretary of State - Al Sharpton
Secretary of Treasury - Charles Keating
Secretary of Labor - John Gotti
Secretary of Defense - Rodney King

The World According to Gump #2

Don't ever pick a fight with somebody that's really ugly lookin'.

Remember this: When someone is down there kissin' your butt, they could just as easily be bitin' it, too.

If  you want to be popular, do not engage in child molestin' or line dancin'.

Don't lick nothin' that's gonna stick to your tongue.

Some people, like me, are born idiots, but many more get stupider as they go along.

The World According to Gump

Here are some quirky quotes from Forrest Gump:

Never wear suspenders and a belt at the same time. Some people will think you are paranoid.

Beware of people that put numbers after their names.

Life can be one big toilet, so fall of of our sakes, don't make waves.

Most people don't look dumb until they start talkin'.

Do not suck your thumb - or anyone else's for that matter.

Died Anyway

Lady with flowers standing in a cemetery next to a marble marker that reads:

Born 1914
Gave Up Smoking 1959
Gave Up Booze 1973
Gave Up Red Meat 1983
Died Anyway 1991

Steven Wright #28:

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. (picks up a glass of water from his stool) I like to live on the edge.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Dog Logic #3:

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then them him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

Steven Wright #27:

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around the building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Dog Logic #2:

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein

Women and cats do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert Heinlein

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Anon.

Steven Wright #26:

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same thickness."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Dog Logic #1:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anon.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. - Anon.

Steven Wright #25:

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and misspell words on them.

I go up one morning and couldn't find my sock, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Steven Wright #24:

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then I sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity, I hung a right. My mother was there and she said, "I though I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

2013 Stella Awards #7:

Keep in mind that I do not make these up! I simply choose and post. I do not verify accuracy. This is just for enjoyment of those who enjoy jokes as much as I do.

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU game, having driven on to the freeway, she set cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,1750,000 plus a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinksi has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Steven Wright #23:

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A copy stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a copy who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a copy pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the copy looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) ... and says, "Here, you can go."

Steven Wright #22:

I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home right now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across country. We switched on the driving every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.