Steven Wright #25:

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and misspell words on them.

I go up one morning and couldn't find my sock, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!