Don't Know Much About History

Readers Digest, February 2013 from wilsonquarterly.com:

An anonymous professor was either so horrified or bemused by his students' papers that he collected their oddest insights:

• During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged.
• The Black Death helped the emergence of the English Language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
• History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815.

The Excuse is in the Mail

Readers Digest, April 2013, All in a Day's Work from careerbuilder.com:

Can't pull it together to go to work? Don't use one of these tried-and-unfortunately-true alibis:

• Employee's sobriety tool wouldn't allow the car to start.
• Employee forgot he had been hired for the job.
• Employee said her dog was having a nervous breakdown.
• Employee's dead grandmother was being exhumed for a police investigation.
• Employee's toe was stuck in a faucet.
• Employee said a bird bit her.
• Employee was upset after watching The Hunger Games.
• Employee's hair was turned orange by an at-home dye kit.
• Employee got sick from reading too much.

Doggone it!

Readers Digest, April 2013, All in a Dy's Work, from newsposstleader.co.uk:

Every year, the RSPCA - the British equivalent of the ASPCA - fields a lot of odd phone calls from distressed animal lovers. Here are a few:

• A citizen called to report a slow-moving tortoise on the shoulder of a motorway. It turned out to be a deflated football.
• Someone reported that a seagull was looking sad because it was sitting in the rain.
• A caller asked if we could remove a spider from her bathroom sink.

Where'd It Go?

Readers Digest, April 2013, Humor in Uniform submitted by Alfred Miles:

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy. They had lost contact with one of their planes and needed us to send an aircraft to find it. I asked the man where the plane had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," he said. "That's classified."

Ships Cost A Lot of Money

Readers Digest, April 2013 - Humor in Uniform - quoting Comedian Dick Gregory:

"When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85. That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship."

An apology?

Readers Digest, June 2013, from the Ottawa Citizen:

"We wish to apologize for our apology to Mark Steyn, published Oct. 22. In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr. Steyn published Oct. 15, we incorrectly published the incorrect correction. We accept and regret that our initial regrets were unacceptable, and we apologize to Mr. Steyn for any distress caused by our previous apology."

Stop The Presses!

From Readers Digest, June, 2013:

Some headlines are better than the news they deliver

• Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No-Show at Court Hearing (Daily Herald, Provo, Utah)
• Police Arrest Naked Man with Concealed Weapon (msnbc.com - Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY)
• Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" (La Crosse Tribune, WI)
• SUV Crashes into House After Suffering Seizure (Great Falls Tribune, MO)

Children's answers to Bible questions #5

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opposums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another word for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Children's answers to Bible questions #4

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manage.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Children's answers to Bible questions #3

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Children's answers to Bible questions #2

7.  Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8.  The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9.  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Children's answers to Bible questions #1

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Politics and Politicians #2 (not really that funny):

--Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign
funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~Oscar
Ameringer, "The Mark Twain of American Socialism"

--I offered my opponents a deal: "If they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

--A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

--I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.~Charles de Gaulle, French general and politician

--Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.~Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold
medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris ,
1902-1981

I am reminded of a joke:
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is a solution!!!
(I don't know who said this )

Politics and Politicians #1 (not really that funny):

--We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public
office.~Aesop, Greek slave and fable author

--Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber.~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

--Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

--When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by
Irving Stone

--Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel,
go out and buy some more tunnel.~John Quinton, American actor/writer

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #5

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. [In NC the first day of bear season IS a state holiday]

You know what a hissy fit is..[And you know how to pitch one]

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #4

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.
 
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. [Why else would you carry them?]

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
[Everyone knows ketchup is a vegetable.  The other spice is Bar-b-que sauce.]

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, The motor sports, and gossip.
[Don't forgit the obits]

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #3

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as The Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You work from cain't see to cain't see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #2

It is not a shopping cart, It is a buggy!

Jawl-P? Means, Did you all go To the bathroom?

People actually grow,eat And like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH #1

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2013 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Stuff #4:

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them 'mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups when they needed
a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their Elbow!
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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
what I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset
can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by itself,
but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Stuff #3:

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One Thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented By women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the Phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'