2013 Stella Awards #2:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered a 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Punography #4:

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #11:

I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person, "How do they know what size screen I have?"

2013 Darwin Awards #7:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough.

Steven Wright #17:

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hell, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Gimme another ten guppies. I got a lot of calls yesterday."

List of Reasons #4:

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

2013 Stella Awards #1:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded #80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #10:

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

Punography #3:

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

2013 Darwin Awards #6:

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated gunman walked away.

Steven Wright #16:

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to a Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it.

List of Reasons #3:

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go shopping in malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FEDEX since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked by a needle infected with AIDS.

Real Stories of the Non-technically Inclined #9:

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motorhome was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing looked like an extra the "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

Punography #2:

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

2013 Darwin Awards #5:

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.  The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Steven Wright #15:

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "Ten-four."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "Pet Supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, "Compact Cars".

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

List of Reasons #2:

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no long can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi Cola or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.