Steven Wright #17:

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know. My calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hell, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so. He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Gimme another ten guppies. I got a lot of calls yesterday."