Stuff #2:

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts – Charlemagne Clubs –Alexander The Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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Stuff #1:

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule Of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word
GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.

Fine Whines get Better With Age

Readers Digest, May 2013:

Insults. To quote Alice Roosevelt Longworth, "If you have nothing nice to say about someone, sit right next to me."

Here are some insults from famous people:

Winston Churchill: "A modest little person with much to be modest about."

Forrest Tucker: "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

Samuel Foote: "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."

Paul Keating: "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #6:

Beelzebug, n. - Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor, n. - the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus, n. - a person who's both stupid and (you can figure out the rest)

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #5:

Decafalon, n. - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido, v. - all talk and no action.

Dopeler effect, n. - the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit, n. - the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentlally walked into a spider web.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #4:

Inoculate, v. - to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis, n. - terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis, n. - a degenerate disease.

Karmageddon, n. - it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #3:

Oyster, n. - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. - the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Bozone, n. - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, show little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti, n - vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm, n - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions #2:

Negligent, adj. - describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph, v. - to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle, n. - olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. - emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. - a rapidly receding hairline.

The Washington Post winning alternative definitions 1-5

1. coffee, n. - the person upon whom one coughs
2. flabbergasted, adj. - appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. abdicate, v. - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. - impotent

As Good a Reason as Any

Readers Digest, June 2013 submitted by Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland:

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?"

"Not really," I replied.

"Did you marry him for his money?"

"Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn't have any."

"So," he said, "you just felt sorry for him."

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

Eat Healthy

From June, 2013 Readers Digest:

Overheard at a fair:

Little girl: I want cotton candy!

Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something healthy.

Little girl: I want cotton candy now!

Mom: I said no, you're going to have something healthy! How about a corn dog?

Always Enunciate Clearly

Readers Digest, May 2013 - Life in These United States submitted by Peter Melville, Cornwall, England:

When I was pulled over for speeding, I told the officer, "I'm sorry, but the road seemed clear and ..."

"How would you have reacted if Mister Fog had suddenly appeared?"

Annoyed at his patronizing manner, I replied, "I suppose I would have applied Mr. Brake and summoned up Mr. and Mrs. Headlight!"

Enunciating each syllable, the officer repeated, "How would you have reacted if mist ... or ... fog had suddenly appeared?"

Think About It

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Great Truths 21-26

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

26.  When you rob Peter to pay Paul, Peter will get sore and who can do business with a sore Peter?
--L.J.K. Jr. 

Great Truths 16-20

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. 
-- Mark Twain (1866) 

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. 
-- Anonymous 

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. 
-- Ronald Reagan 

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain

Great Truths 11-15

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-- Will Rogers


13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

Great Truths 6-10

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

Great Truths 1-5

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw