The Washington Post winning alternative definitions 1-5

1. coffee, n. - the person upon whom one coughs
2. flabbergasted, adj. - appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. abdicate, v. - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. - impotent