.. And One from Abroad

Readers Digest, April, 2013 submitted by Patricia Regan, Fort Smith, Canada:

My friend Janet and I decided to check out a little boutique in the country. While we were examining the china, curios and hand-crocheted tablecloths, a man appeared.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"No, thank you," I said. "We're just browsing in your lovely boutique."

He politely responded, "The boutique is downstairs; this is our living room."

Kids say the Weirdest Things

Readers Digest, April 2013, source: acidcow.com:

One reason to friend your children on Facebook is to make sure they don't embarrass themselves with posts like these real ones:

.. "It took me ten minutes to remember how to spell water bottel."

.. "Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can't see."

.. "There is no i in happyness."

.. "Goodbye, America. Hello, New York!"

School Excuse Notes #3

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.

School Excuse Notes #2

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in his growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

School Excuse Notes #1

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

Please excuse Rolan from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Brrrrrrrrrr!!!!

Readers Digest, March 2013 - submitted by Scott Donovan, Charlton, Massachusetts:

As a teenager, I worked at a diner that had an all-glass front. One day, a blizzard blew in knocking the wind chill factor down to 40 below. But my boss sent me outside anyway to wash the windows.

"Put some alcohol in that bucket so the water doesn't freeze," he said.

"The water? What about me?" I asked.

He grunted, "You're too young for alcohol."

How Do You Calculate Square Feet?

Readers Digest, March 2013, submitted by Terri Hanke, Kansas:

The front office asked us to figure out the square footage dedicated to each department in our clothing store. To save time, I suggested we count the ceiling tiles above each department.

"They're each two square feet. Counting the tiles would give us an accurate dimension of each department without having to work around all the displays," I explained.

My boss hated the idea. "He-lloo," she said, sarcastically, "we need the square footage of the floor, not the ceiling."

Misuse of the English Language

March, 2013, Readers Digest submitted by Sue T., Ohio:

My boss's biggest nemesis is the English language. During one meeting, I asked about the status of a particular report. He replied, "We aren't going to prepare that report. It would be an exercise in fertility."

It would be funnier if he didn't earn four times more than I do.

Bad Timing

Readers Digest, March 2013:

Fred's father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk across the lake to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the middle of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January and you were born in August."

Nuns Grading Papers #5

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached Holy Acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Nuns Grading Papers #4

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

When the three wise guys from the East side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Nuns Grading Papers #3

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to be still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Nuns Grading Papers #2

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Nuns Grading Papers #1

(supposedly actual answers on tests)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire at night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Burma Shave Signs #5

At intersections
Look each way
A harp sounds nice
But it's hard to play
Burma Shave

Both hands on the wheel
Eyes on the road
That's the skillful
Driver's code
Burma Shave

The one who drives
When he's been drinking
Depends on you
To do his thinking
Burma Shave

Car in ditch
Driver in tree
The moon was full
And so was he
Burma Shave

Passing school zone
Take it slow
Let our little
Shavers grow
Burma Shave

Burma Shave Signs #4

Around the curve
Lickety-split
Beautiful car
Wasn't it?
Burma Shave

No matter the price
No matter how new
The best safety device
In the car is you
Burma Shave

A guy who drives
A car wide open
Is not thinkin'
He's only hopin'
Burma Shave

Burma Shave Signs #3

Speed was high
Weather was not
Tires were thin
X marks the spot
Burma Shave

Cautious rider
To her reckless dear
Let's have less bull
And a little more steer
Burma Shave

The midnight ride
Of Paul for beer
Led to a warmer
Hemisphere
Burma Shave

Burma Shave Signs #2

Don't lose your head
To save a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it
Burma Shave

Drove too long
Driver snoozing
What happened next
I not amusing
Burma Shave

Brother speeder
Let's rehears
All together
Good morning, nurse