The Laughter Library published 1936 #22

In this case, it was Mrs. May Wilson Preston and Mrs. Arthur William Brown, whose ship ran into a terrific storm on a coast-wise trip to Florida. They tossed in anguish all night, and as the first signs of dawn came through the porthole, Mrs. Preston turned, with a pallid drawn face, 'Do you know what I'm going to eat for breakfast?' Astonished, Mrs. Brown asked, 'What?' and tried not to shudder. 'Our return tickets,' sighed Mrs. Preston.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #20

The story is told of Winston Churchill, shortly after he left the Conservative side in the House of Commons.

He was asked to take a certain young lady into the dining room. While she clung to his arm as they descended, she looked coyly at him and remarked with the frankness and audacity of youth:

'Mr. Churchill, there are two things about you I dislike very much.'

'And what are they?'

'Your new politics and your mustache.'

He looked deeply into her eyes for a moment and then replied with a lofty air.

'My dear, pray do not disturb yourself. You are not likely to come in contact with either.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #16

There are hundreds of stories about that famed down-easterner, Calvin C. Coolidge, and his few words. They tell that one Sunday he went out to church alone, his wife feeling unable to accompany him. When he came home Mrs. Coolidge questioned him.

'What was the sermon about?'

'Sin.' he replied, with his usual brevity.

'What did he say about it?'

'He was against it.'

Blonde on Board

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died! Help me"

Ground control receive her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam.
I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height
and position."

"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father who art in Heaven.... "

All 21 Puns Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

3 blonde jokes

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset and yelled,' You Moron! Those nails aren't defective!They're for the other side of the house!'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I
thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get
my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. `What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

No Joke

Albert Einstein quoted in the Monterey County, California Herald:

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."

Marriage in Hollywood

Rita Rudner quoted in the London Daily Mail:

"In Hollywood, marriage is a success if it outlasts the milk."

This was said BEFORE Kim's announcement :(

33 Interesting Questions to Consider

1. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
2. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS IT HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Random Thoughts

It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES - USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you..

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name..

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

Have you been there?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport or a train station; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Be careful with ice

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends!!!

That's what I would do :)

From L. E. Williams (RN), Falmouth, MA in the November, 2011 issue of Readers Digest:

When I met five-year-old Timmy, he was in the hospital with broken legs. He'd chased a ball into the street and was hit by a car. Six weeks later, as his discharge nurse, I asked, "The next time your ball rolls into the street, what will you do?"

Timmy replied, "Send my sister."

Make sure you can tell the difference!

submitted by planetproctor.com for the October, 2011, Readers Digest:

Mitch was losing his shirt at the racetrack when he noticed a priest bless the forehead of a long shot lining up for the fourth race. Lo and behold, the horse won. Just before the fifth race, the priest did the same to another horse. So Mitch placed a small bet on it and won.

That day, Mitch raked in serious money following the priest's lead. Before the last race, he saw the priest bless the forehead - as well as the eyes, ears, and hooves - of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent he had, then watched the horse come in last. Dumbfounded, he hollered at the priest, "What happened? All day long, you blessed horses, and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse, and he lost!"

"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

Training Works

From November, 2011, Readers Digest - citing gcfl.net:

Our daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

A Nun is said to have graded these papers 1-5

From a Catholic Elementary School test (as it was presented to me):

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guiness, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
5. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy ... 9-16

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what is the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy ... 1-8

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Farmer's Advice 21-26

21. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
22. Always drink upstream from the herd.
23. Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
24. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
25. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
26. Live simply; love generously; care deeply; speak kindly.

Farmer's Advice 11-20

11. Every path has a few puddles.
12. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
13. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
14. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
15. Don't judge folks by their relatives.
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
17. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
18. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
19. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
20. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Farmer's Advice 1-10

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
2. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
3. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
4. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
5. Words that soak into your ears are whispered ... not yelled.
6. Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
7. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
8. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
9. It don't take a very big person to hold a grudge.
10. You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Simple Instructions 8-14

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication"
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
10. On most brands of Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only"
11. On a Japaneses food processor - "Not to be used for the other use"
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts"
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts"
14. On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly"

Simple Instructions

1. On a Sears hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping"
2. On a bag of Fritos - "You could be a winner. No purchase necessary. Details inside"
3. On a bar of Dial soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap"
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost"
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert print on the bottom - "Do not turn upside down"
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating"
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body"

AARP Bumper Stickers - 11-16

11. Sometimes I wake up grumpy ... and some days I let him (or her) sleep.
12. Quit worrying about your health ... it'll go away
13. I must be getting older ... all the names in my phone book end with MD
14. Be nice to your children ... they will choose your nursing home.
15. Florida - God's waiting room
16. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

AARP Bumper Stickers 6-10

6. I was always taught to respect my elders. Now I don't have anyone to respect.
7. Goodbye tension! Hello pension!
8. It's nice to be here. At my age, it's nice to be anywhere.
9. That snap, crackle and pop in the morning isn't my Rice Krispies any more.
10. You know you're getting old when you throw a wild party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

AARP Bumper Stickers 1-5

1. I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
2. I'm in the initial stages of my gold years - SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
3. Old people Rock
4. At my age, everything comes with a lifetime guarantee.
5. With age comes wisdom ... and discounts!

Well, I'll be! That beats all!

K. Torrence of NJ submitted this to the September 2011 issue of Readers Digest:

My mother was reading about immigrants taking the oath of citizenship when she noticed something interesting. "Look at the list of names," she said. "They're all foreigners."

I couldn't make this up :)

Posted in the September 2011 issue of the Readers Digest:

from philly.com, Fresno Bee, Courier Mail, Brisbane, Australia, AP

1. Philadelphia jewel thieves grabbed thousands of dollars in valuables but exited the store without their four-year-old son.

2. The escape for a Philadelphia bank bandit was made more difficult when he left the keys to his getaway car behind the teller's counter.

3. After Andrew Bawden posted bail, Australian police picked him up on two counts of burglary. They had found his police charge sheet at one burgled home and a DVD of his interrogation at another.

And, from the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

A Florida bank refused to let a man born without arms cash his wife's check even though he'd provided two forms of identification. The reason given: He couldn't provide a thumbprint.

Painful Death

From D. Hudson in KY. published in Readers Digest September 2011:

One of the deceased at our funeral home was a farmer who had suffered a heart attack while helping a cow in labor. The headline on his obituary read "Mr. Jones Dies While Giving Birth to a Calf"

Paraproskokians 22-28

22. You're never too old to learn something foolish.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
28. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Bonuses:
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Paraprosdokians 15-21

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscious is the sing of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stoke a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Paraprosdokians 8-14

8. Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evenin" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus stations is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Where I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of emergency, notify ..." I put "Doctor"
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Paraprosdokians (look it up) 1-7

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.
2. The last thing I want to do it hurt you. But it is still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speack.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The origin of the Sabbath and more

from a Catholic Elementary School test:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an Ark and the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jesebel like Delilah.

Relax

Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein

Man's best friend

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Anonymous

Surgical Joke?

A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and
Asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

Oh boy!

From DL in Iowa printed in the July 2011 issue of Country Extra:

A mother had a free-spirited boy who hated naps. Worse, he didn't like pants. Many times she'd go to his room and instead of finding him tucked into bed, she'd find his pants tucked into his bed.

One day, after finding an abandoned pair of pants in her son's bed, she heard noises coming from the basement. The boy was still a little too young to handle stairs alone, so she ran to the basement door, flung it open and called down in a frantic voice.

"Are you running around down there without your pants?"

"No, ma'am," a man's voice replied. "I'm reading your meter, and I promise I've got mine on."

CORN BALL HUMOR

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
10. A calendar's days are numbered.
11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed..
13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine ...
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..
23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still..
24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'
33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Man in Demand

From KAB of Kansas printed in the July issue of Country Extra:

"Boss, I need a raise," said the employee. "There are three other companies after me."

"Oh, really?" asked his boss. "And just which companies would be interested in you?"

"The phone company, the electric company and the gas company," replied the employee.

Sinking Wisdom

From Ms. Matz of WA published in the July 2011 issue of Country Extra:

An old farmer is walking through town and stops to browse the signs in the hardware store window. The biggest sign, up at the top, reads: "Cast Iron Sinks."

"Well!" scoffs the farmer. "Everybody knows that."

Strange Snack

From July 2011 issue of Country Extra, submitted by U Hoffer of MN:

Quite often my neighbor brings me a cookie or some other treat, which I much appreciate.

One day she came over with something wrapped in a napkin. I thanked her, then peeked inside and saw what looked like some kind of cookie. It was partly squashed from when she wrapped it, but it looked tasty enough, covered with what appeared to be toasted coconut.

I said, "Now tell me what it is so I can eat it."

She looked surprised, then said, "It's a begonia bulb."

Did you ever wonder ...

OK. Technically this is not a joke, but I do laugh every time I talk about these things with anyone.

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to see a 1500-2000 pound animal (a horse for example) and say, "I think I'll hop on its back and see what it does"?

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to bungee jump? And why????????

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink whatever comes out"?

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I think I'll eat the next thing that comes out of its butt"?

Did you ever wonder who was the first person to jump out of a plane? And why????????

Golfers will understand

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble."

A lesson from the zoo

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A little boy choosing where to live

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied. "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Cold is relative

+65 - Floridians turn on the heat; people in Wisconsin plant gardens
+60 - Californians shiver; people in Wisconsin sunbathe
+50 - Italian and English cars won't start; people in Wisconsin drive with windows down
+40 - Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, hats; people in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt
+35 - NY Landlords turn up the heat; people in Wisconsin have cookouts
+20 - all people in Miami die; people in Wisconsin close the windows
Zero - Californians fly to Mexico; people in Wisconsin get out their winter coats
-10 - Hollywood disintegrates; Girl Scouts in Wisconsin sell cookies door-to-door
-20 - Washington DC runs out of hot air; people in Wisconsin let their dogs sleep inside
-30 - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole; peopl in Wisconsin get upset if their snowmobiles won't start
-40 - ALL atomic motion stops; people in Wisconsin say "Cold enough fer ya?"
-50 - Hell freezes over; Wisconsin public schools open 2 hours late

These are only SOME of the reason I don't live in Wisconsin - or anywhere NORTH!!!!

Baseball Quotes

Ninety percent of this game is half mental. Yogi Berra

Running a ball club is like raising kids who fall out of trees. Tom Trebelhorn

I watch a lot of baseball on radio. Gerald Ford

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. Tim McCarver

Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak sunrise past a rooster. Yogi Berra

All I remember about my wedding day in 1967 is that the Cubs lost a double-header. George F. Will

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets. Yogi Berra

So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. Yogi Berra

Well, it took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball, and I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. Hank Aaron

When you retire, you mind wanders ....

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maxine quotes

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Stonebridge Church of God sign

Honk if you love Jesus

Text while driving if you want to meet Him.

A Nun Graded these answers

THE FOLLOWING COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2.. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AN ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENT WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ....
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

The Blame Game

Adam blamed Eve.

Eve blamed the snake.

The snake didn't have a leg to stand on.

Handle with Care

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments ." answered the lady.

THE WATER PISTOL

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
Exhausted.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

A few Golf Quotes

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 strokes to do that.
~ Jim Murray

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs & the air.
~ Jack Benny

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands have to work.
~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered..

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

Why Go to Church?

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 49 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

Nice Discovery

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria

Perks of getting older

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4PM.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

How cold is it?

I just got off the phone with friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Moose Hunting

Two Texans, Billy Bob and Bubba, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt Moose.

They managed to bag six Moose. But, as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.

The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.

However, on take-off the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness. Somehow, Billy Bob and Bubba survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Life

life is like a roll of toilet paper - the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Wise advice

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...???

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...They add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... But it's OK Because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you To remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, You no longer care to do, But you really do care that you Don't care to do them anymore.

~Your spouse sleeps better on a lounge chair With the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep"..

~You miss the days when everything worked With just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...Were unheard of, and a mouse was something
That made you climb on a table.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ....2 of which you will never wear.

Computer problems - ID ten T error

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computer. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE
SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING
OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES –

NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING

BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Cool facts about the human body...

OK. This is not a joke, but I find it interesting enough that I wanted to share it anyway.

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Do you know these people?

It doesn't mean a person is an idiot simply because an idiotic thing is done, but it does increase the chances.

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
Working in a law office, I started to FAX a legal document for one of the attorneys. As I started to dial, he came running down the hall, shouting, "Wait, don't let it go, I don't have a copy for myself." I guess he thought that it would be beamed up.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving? She was a probation officer.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."