Now you know how to tell the difference

From the January 2013 Readers Digest, submitted by A. Campbell, Calgary, CN:

My three-year-old daughter, Chantelle, begged me for a story about when she was born.

"Daddy brought Mommy to the hospital, and the doctor helped you be born," I began. "When you came out, we both said, 'What is it?' And the doctor said, "It's a girl!"

"How did the doctor know I was a girl?" asked Chantelle.

"Well, when you were born, you came to us with no clothes on."

"Ahh," said Chantelle. "And boys have clothes on."

Big Difference!

From January 2013 Readers Digest submitted by Kisu Kim of Tennessee:

Being Korean, I asked my Tennessean friend, "What's the difference between whiskey and moonshine?"

His reply: "Tax."

Haggling

From January 2013 Readers Digest submitted by C. Coleman, PA:

When I took my ten year old grandson to his first flea market, I taught him the fine art of haggling.

"Say someone's selling a hunting knife for $20. Offer him $15," I instructed. He got the concept, and when he spotted a ring he wanted that was selling for $5, he went into action.

"I only have $3," he told the woman at the booth.

She smiled. "Then $3 it is."

With that, he pulled out a $5 bill and waited for change.

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #7

• Seizure - Roman emperor
• Tablet - small table
• Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
• Tumor - one plus one more
• Urine - opposite of you're out
• Varicose - near by; close by

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #6

• Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis
• Post Operative - a letter carrier
• Recovery Room - place to do upholstery
• Rectum - darn near killed him
• Secretion - hiding something

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #5

• Morbid - a higher offer
• Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
• Node - I knew it
• Outpatient - a person who has fainted
• Pap smear - a fatherhood test

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #4

• G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball
• Hangnail - what you hang your coat on
• Impotent - distinguished, well known
• Labor Pain - getting hurt at work
• Medical Staff - a doctor's cane

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #3

• Dilate - to live long
• Enema - not a friend
• Fester - quicker than someone else
• Fibula - a small lie
• Genital - non-Jewish person

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #2

• Catscan - searching for kitty
• Cauterize - made eye contact with her
• Colic - a sheep dog
• Coma - a punctuation mark
• D&C - where Washington is

Country Doctors' Medical Terms (groan) #1

• Benign - what you be after you be eight
• Artery - the study of paintings
• Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
• Barium - what doctors do when patients die
• Cesarean Section - a neighborhood in Rome

Black Friday

From Readers Digest, December 2012, submitted by L.B. Weinstein, Miami Beach, FL:

It was Black Friday, the morning after Thanksgiving, and the crowd was huge and getting antsy. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be shoved back. On his second try, he was picked up and thrown to the end of the line. On his third attempt, he was knocked to the ground, kicked, and, again, dumped to the back.

"That's it," he murmured. "If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Doctor Said What? #7

"She is numb from her toes down."

Doctor Said What? #5

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

Doctor Said What? #4

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."

Doctor Said What? #3

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."

Doctor Said What? #2

"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

Doctor Said What? #1

From pediatricnursing.com: Some odd comments doctors wrote on patients' charts.

"The  patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me."

Things to Think About - Country Style #5

• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got
• The biggest trouble maker you'll ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'
• Always drink upstream from the herd
• Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
• Live simple. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Things to Think About - Country Style #4

• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time
• Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none
• Timing has a lot to do with outcome of a rain dance
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'

Things to Think About - Country Style #3

• Every path has a few puddles
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty
• The best sermons are lived, not preached
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
• Don't judge folks by their relatives

Things to Think About - Country Style #2

• Meanness don't jes' happen overnight
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads
• Do not corner something that is meaner than you
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge
• You cannot unsay a cruel word

Things to Think About - Country Style #1

• your fences need to be horse-high, pig tight and bull-strong
• keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance
• life is simpler when you plow around the stump
• a bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor
• words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled

Grandma's age

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.

Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, then he asked, "How old would you be if you let go?"

Didn't work?

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked little Davie. "Giving up?"

Psychology Reversed?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Davie stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you are stupid, little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

A Good Memory!

When my three year old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember!"

Mood Rings Really Do Work

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Nice Trick

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you", the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?", she asked.

"I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit", the little boy answered.

Saying Grace

The Sunday School teacher asked Johnny, "Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No, sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

Fees

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

Support a Family?

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Easter

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed, " Pantyhose!"

Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

Life after Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Doctor #8

You know of course that all doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month or more for an appointment and the first thing he says is "I wish you had come to see me sooner."

Doctor #7

When I told my doctor that I had broken my leg in two places, he told me to stay away from those places.

Doctor #6

Another guy told my doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.

The doctor said, "Be seated. I'll deal with you later."

Doctor #5

One patient came in and said "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man says, "When did what start?"

Doctor #4

Another time a man came running into the office and yelled "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."

The doctor says, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

Doctor #3

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Doctor #2

He treated one woman for Yellow Jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Doctors 1

Let me tell you about my doctor. If you want a second opinion, then he will go out of the room then come back and give it to you.

Depth

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get my coffee ready!

Mornings probably wouldn't be so bad if they didn't always catch you in the middle of a deep sleep.

Stay Healthy

Be careful when reading books on health. You may die of a misprint.

Croutons

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Do you like leftovers?

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Aussie network

A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

Money

A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

How did that happen?

• I don't understand how I got to be over the hill - I never got to the top :(

911 Emergency Calls 5

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.


DISPATCHER: Sir, where are you calling from.
CALLER: I'm at a pay phone at North and Foster.


DISPATCHER: Sir, an ambulance is on it's way, are you asthmatic?
CALLER: No.


DISPATCHER: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
CALLER: Running from the police.

911 Emergency Calls 4

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!


DISPATCHER: Is this her first child?
CALLER: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

911 Emergency Calls 3

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven, but my phone does not have an eleven on it.


DISPATCHER: This is nine-eleven.
CALLER: I thought you said it was nine one one.

DISPATCHER: Yes, ma'am, nine one one and nine eleven are the same thing.
CALLER: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

911 Emergency Calls 2

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich and...


DISPATCHER: Excuse me!
CALLER: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom someone had taken a bite out of it.

DISPATCHER: Was anything else taken?
CALLER: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

911 Emergency Calls 1

DISPATCHER: 911; What is your emergency?
CALLER: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.


DISPATCHER: Do you have an address?
CALLER: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why do you ask?

time for a laugh 2

• FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

• TEACHER: Why are you late?
• STUDENT: Class started before I got here

• TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
• GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
• TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
• GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

• TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
• WINNIE: Me!

• TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I"
• MILLIE: I is....
• TEACHER: No, Millie. Always say "I am..."
• MILLIE: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet"

time for a laugh 1

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old; hateful; bites!
• FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors' dog
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also 1 gay bull for sale
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE: Worn once by mistake!

Things to make you think 4

• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
• Do you realize that in about 40 years, RAP music will be the Golden Oldies?
• Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than a Yugo
• After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead

Things to make you think 3

• There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
• There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be the right number!
• Thinks about this --- no one ever says "it's only a game" when his team is winning.
• I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap
• Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it

Things to make you think 2

• How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
• Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
• Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
• Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job
• No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

Things to make you think 1

• The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow
• Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail
• If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all
• Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs
• A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water

Definitions not in the dictionary 3

1. RAISIN - a grape with a sunburn
2. SECRET - something you tell to one person at a time
3. SKELETON - a bunch of bones with the person scraped off
4. TOOTHACHE - the pain that drives you to extraction
5. TOMORROW - one of the greatest labor-saving devices of today
6. YAWN - an honest opinion openly expressed
7. WRINKLES - something other people have. I have character lines

Definitions not in the dictionary 2

1. DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out
2. EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation
3. HANDKERCHIEF - Cold storage
4. INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
5. MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better

Definitions not in the dictionary 1

1. ADULT - a person who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle
2. BEAUTY PARLOR - a place where women curl up and dye
3. CANNIBAL - someone who is fed up with people
4. CHICKENS - the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead
5. COMMITTEE - a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

Blonde jokes 3

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"It should be around your neck," says the guard.

"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde's dog goes missing, and she is frantic.

Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

She replies, "Here boy!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Blonde jokes 2

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Blonde jokes 1

A friend tells the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two blondes find three grenades and they decide to take them to the police station.

One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replies, "The joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"

She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it has epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Disorder in the Court 4

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still be alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Disorder in the Court 3

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Disorder in the Court 2

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.


Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you kidding me?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh............

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None

Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness:Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or female?
Witness: Guess.

Disorder in the Court 1

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And it what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do


Attorney: Voodoo?

Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 3

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 2

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME Volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME Volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right

UPS Cargo 'gripe sheet' 1

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

Pilot (P): Left inside tire almost needs replacement
Solution (S): Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground

Children in Church 11

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

Children in Church 10

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

Children in Church 9

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

Children in Church 8

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

A little boy opened my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

Children in Church 7

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"Your're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Children in Church 6

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

The he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Children in Church 5

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

Children in Church 4

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet n church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Children in Church 3

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Children in Church 2

One particular four-year old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

Children in Church 1

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was 'acting up' during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation:

'Pray for me! Pray for me!'

What you learn as you get older 4

• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do

and the eyesight to tell the difference

What you learn as you get older 3

• It's hard to make a comeback when you really haven't been anywhere.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

What you learn as you get older 2

• If all is lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents
• Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

What you learn as you get older 1

• I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
• I finally got my head together and now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Gentle Thoughts for today 2

1. He who hesitates is probably right.
2. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for '40' are 'XL'?
3. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
4. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
5. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
6. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Finishing the Proverb 3

1. Laugh and whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose.
2. There are none so blind as........Stevie Wonder.
3. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.
4. If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
5. You get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box.
6. When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.
7. A bird in the hand..........is going to poop on you.
8. Better late than..........pregnant.

Finishing the Proverb 2

1. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning
2. Love all, trust........me
3. The pen is mightier than the..........pigs
4. An idle mind is the...........best way to relax
5. Where there's smoke, there's...........pollution
6. Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents
7. A penny saved is...........not much
8. Two's company, three's...........the Musketeers
9. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............you put on to go to bed

Finishing the Proverb 1

A 1st grade teacher asked her 26 students to provide the ending to well-known proverbs as she gave each a unique 1st half. The results:

1. Don't change horses.......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.......Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water, but.......how?
6. Don't bit the hand that..........looks dirty.
7. No news is............impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a..........Mrs.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.........math

Thought for the Day 1

• Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car
• When I'm feeling good, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and choke himself.
• A penny saved is a government oversight
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Why????????...5

• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Why????????...4

• Why are 'wise guy' and 'wise man' opposites?
• Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
• Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why????????...3

• Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
• Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do we sing "take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it is really after light?
• Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why????????...2

• Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?

Why????????????

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
• Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

What???????? 7

• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key
• A calendar's days are numbered
• Some money is tainted --- taint yours and taint mine
• A boiled egg is hard to beat
• His photographic memory was not developed

What???????? 6

• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds
• Fall into an upholstery machine and be fully recovered
• A grenade hit the floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart
• You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
• Is a Local Area Network in Australia called the LAN down under?

What???????? 5

• A backward poet writes inverse
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
• Pay your exorcist or you will be repossessed
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress

What???????? 4

• Take a laptop computer for a run and jog your memory
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail
• Bicycles can't stand alone. They get two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

What???????? 3

• We never run out of math teachers because they multiply
• When the smog lifts in California UCLA
• Math professor went crazy at the blackboard. He did a number on it
• The theory of earthquakes is on shaky ground
• Dead batteries given away free of charge

What????????2

• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
• The short fortune teller escaping from prison was a small medium at large
• A thief that stole a calendar got twelve months
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal
• A thief stealing corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

What????????

• Police were called to a day care center where a 3 year old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference
• The butcher backed into the grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Crazy Headlines

From the June, 2012 edition of Readers Digest:

• "Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers" ... The Tennessean
• "Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many"...St. Petersburg Times
• "Motorcycle Deaths Drop, but Trend is Worrisome"...yahoo.com
• "Woman with Arms Held"...Times of India
• "Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply"... Sandusky Register

Unanswered Questions #3

1. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers us. Toothpicks?
2. Why do they put pictures of crminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
3. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
4. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
5. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Unanswered Questions #2

1. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
2. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
3. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
4. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
5. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Unanswered Questions #1

1. Ever wonder about people who spend $2.00 (or more) on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards (Naive)
2. There are 3 religious truths:
• Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
• Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith
• Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store
3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
4. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
5. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one on tenty-one?

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #7

• I was late for class because the bell rang before I got here!!
• I was late for school 5 days in a row when I was seven. My excuses were a flat tire four days in a row, and on the final day, all the clocks in the house stopped at once, and I was unable to tell the time.
• Please excuse my son for being absent from school yesterday as he was home sick with the flue.
• Please excuse Ricky from school yesterday. He had spilled gasoline on his stomach and was afraid he would explode.
• Please excuse my sister/daughter from school. We told her that her mother is her grandma, her sister is her mother and daddy is still daddy this weekend and she hasn't come out of her bedroom since.
• Please excuse Dan Druff from school today. He is having a bad case of Lice.

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #6

• 'Please excuse Casey from school. It was Take Your Daughter to work day. I don't have a job, so I made her stay home and do housework.'
• 'Please excuse my daughter from school yesterday and P.E. forever. She had a very bad asthma attach running in P.E. because the coach made her run too much. Please excuse her from P.E. even though the doctor says she needs it.'
• 'Please excuse Ryan's absents he has smoked too much weed over the last few days and is extremely tired.'
• 'Johnny was late today because of a shallow gene pool'
• 'I was absent because I got my head caught in the power window of the car.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #5

'Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.'..........Please excuse Jackie for not having her homework she was a little under the weatherman, and there was a big flurry in Central America.'..........'I didn't come to school yesterday because I was feeling like I was going to be sick, but thankfully I wasn't.'..........Please excuse my daughter for being late. Her broom won't start so I had to send it back to Salem for repairs.'..........Please excuse Eric from school on May 5th thru May 19th, he was waiting in line for the new Star Wars film, you will be happy to know he got tickets for next September, when he will be missing another week of school while he waits for the perfect seat.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #4

'Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.'...........'Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.'..........Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.'..........'Maryann was absent since December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister is also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be soemthing going around, her father even got hot last night.'..........'George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #3

'Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.'..........'Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.'..........'Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.'..........'My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.'...........'Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and couldn't breed well.'

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #2

'Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.'..........'Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.'..........'Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.'...........'Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.'..........'Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.'

Idle Thinking by a Retiree

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it ******************** I had amnesia once---or twice ******************** I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? ******************** Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. ******************** All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy ******************** If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. ******************** What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? ******************** They told me I was gullible and I believed them. ******************** Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. ******************** Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. ******************** One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. ******************** My weight is perfect for my height-- which varies. ******************** I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. ******************** How can there be self-help "groups"? ******************** If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? ******************** Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. ******************** Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? ********************

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..... 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!". 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!". Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humour didn't have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless", with a big smile on his face. "IN GOD WE TRUST"

What love means to a child #18

A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there........When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'..........

What love means to a child #17

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean ti, you should say it a lot. People forget.'...........Jessica, age 8

What love means to a child #16

'When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'.......Karen, age 7

What love means to a child #15

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'........Laura, age 4

What love means to a child #14

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.'.....Mary Ann, age 4

What love means to a child #13

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.'.........Chris, age 7

Dave Barry on Income Tax Season

I know this is a little late, but I like it..........'I'ts income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.'........Dave Barry

What love means to a child #12

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.'........Elaine, age 5

What love means to a child #11

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kiss me to sleep at night.'......Clare, age 6

What love means to a child #10

'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.'......Cindy, age 8

I Passed!

From Readers Digest, June 2012, submitted by Rebecca Atnip of San Antonio TX:.........After two stress-filled years of preparing for, then taking, a professional certification test, I got the results in the mail: I passed!.....Thrilled, I texted my family. My excitement waned somewhat after receiving this reply from my sister......'We are so excited about the news of your passing. Please let us know when the family will be celebrating!'

Get rid of your cows!

Noncitizen presenting for speech class...Everyone has cows in their life. Cows at home. Cows at work. Cows in our families. Cows can take over everything. But how do we get rid of the cows?......Teacher:Chaos.It's pronounced 'chaos'..........June 2012 Reader Digest taken from overheardeverywhere.com.......

Bad Choice?

From Readers Digest, June 2012: ...A woman calls her husband to tell him their two sons want to go to the zoo, then to a movie.... 'That's too expensive,' he says. 'It's one or the other.'... 'OK, which one do you prefer?' ...'Mikey.'

What love means to a child #9

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.'......Tommy - age 6

Looking for the perfect job #3

11. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. 15. So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!!!!!!!!!!!

Looking for the perfect job #2

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard. 7. My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. 9. Next was a job at a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. 10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Looking for the perfect job #1

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. 2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

What love means to a child #8

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.'...Noelle, age 7

What love means to a child #7

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.'....Nikka, age 6

What love means to a child #6

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.'....Emily, age 8

What love means to a child #5

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.'.........Danny, age 7

What love means to a child #4

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' ......Chrissy - age 6

What love means to a child #3

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.'--------- Karl - age 5

What love means to a child #2

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

What love means to a child #1

When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore... So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca - age 8

Need an excuse for missing school or work - let these moms write it #1

'My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.' 'Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot.' 'Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33' 'Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out a tree and misplaced his hip.' 'John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #1000

The Senator was a very poor shot and his friend with whom he had spent the entire day trudging over hill and dale even worse, if such a thing was possible. As the sun lowered, the Senator turned to his friend who had stopped to get his breath after a climb uphill. 'Jim, I'll tell you what. Let's just miss two more rabbits and call it a day.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #964

Secretary Mellon was once asked the difference between direct and indirect taxation. 'The former,' he explained, 'is somewhat like a daylight robbery while the latter is like going through a man's pockets while he is asleep.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #964

The editor of a weekly newspaper published the following notice: 'Owing to the lack of space and the rush of editing this issue, several births and deaths will be postponed until next week.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #926

Mrs. Hank Efferson came into the corner drug store one morning to have two prescriptions filled. As the druggist started to the back of the store, she called: 'Now be sure to keep them separate. One's for Hank and the other is for our hog. You know he's a blue ribbon winner and the State Fair starts next week. We can't take any chances.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #922

It was in Louisville the shooting took place - in a hotel lobby, and there were few witnesses who cared to appear in the case. Finally one bell boy was inveigled into the witness chair. The attorney asked where he was when the first of the two shots were fired. The boy admitted that he was sitting at the end of the desk, in the front of the lobby. 'Where were you then when the second shot was heard?' 'I don't remember exactly,' and he seemed to think, 'but i was jest about passing the L&N Depot.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #921

The physician's young son and neighbor lad were playing in the office of the doctor. Suddenly the young host threw open a closet and disclosed an articulated skeleton. The visiting lad was promptly and properly horrified. The doctor's son explained that his father was extremely proud of that skeleton. 'Is he? Why?' 'Oh, I dunno. Maybe it was his first patient.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #891

(From the days when a telegram was priced by the word, with a ten word limit before a higher fee was charged)

Going the ten-word limit better, the couple to whom a baby had been born wired the grandparents, 'Isaiah, 9.6' thinking of course they would refer to the scripture passage which reads 'For unto us a child is born.'

Imagine their surprise when the grandparents replied, 'That's a fine healthy weight for a child, but why name the poor thing Isaiah?'

The Talking Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'

Buy Now

"A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year."

Comedian Marty Allen, quoted in the Buffalo News

How to Tell

"An idiot will try anything. That is how you know he is an idiot."

Screenwriter Michael Audlard, quoted in Le Figaro

The Laughter Library published 1936 #884

An expert motorist was explaining how, although in an accident where his street had the right of way, and the other motoris struck his left fender, it couldn't possibly be considered the other fellow's fault:

'It was this way - his father was Mayor of the town, his brother-in-law is Chief of Police and I am engaged to his sister.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #882

Buffalo Bill, during his days as a showman, fired his press agent and when the man asked for a recommendation, told him to write it himself and bring it over for the signature. The clever fellow did. After reading over the letter Cody remarked:

'If I had any idea you were as good as this says you are, i'd never have fired you at all.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #877

It was his initial trip through the United States Senate and one of the first figures to arouse his curiosity was the chaplain. His father explained who the gentleman was and the little lad asked:

'And does he pray for the Senate, Father?'

"No,' explained the disgruntled taxpayer, 'he comes in at the beginning of the session, takes one look at the Senators, and starts praying for the country.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #855

Having heard that his neighbor owned a set of books, which were very rare, Mark Twain asked the old gentleman if he might read them, only to be told that if he read them it would have to be in the owner's library, since he would not allow them to be taken out of the house.

Some time later the old gentleman, thinking to put his lawn in order, asked Twain if he might borrow a lawn mower.

Obliging, the humorist said that he certainly could but that due to a rule he always employed, it must be used on the Twain front yard, since it wasn't allowed off the premises.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #817

Willie's pants were torn but his mother was so busy upstairs she told him to get them off and do the mending himself. Soon afterward she came down, found the torn trousers on a chair, but no sign of Willie. Just then noises from the basement seemed to give her a clue. Going to the door, she called.

'Are you running around down there without your pants?'

"Why no, ma'am,' came a deep bass voice from the darkness, 'I'm just getting set to read this meter.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #823

The crusty customer who ordered a cup of weak tea turned a critical glance at the concoctin when it arrived.

'What's wrong with it. You said weak, didn't you?'

'Yep, weak is what I wanted, but I didn't say to make it helpless.'

Fear of Flying

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Vote Carefully

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Where do you live?

I live in my own little world but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #527

During the Revolution an American officer was foraging in Virginia for horses. He saw a slave plowing with a fine team in a field and told him he'd have to have those horses. The slave referred him to his mistress. The office went to the plantation house and was greeted by a majestic looking woman.

'Madam,' he said, impressed by her dignity, 'I have come to claim your horses in the name of the government.'

'Sir,' said she, 'you cannot have them. My crops are planted and I need the horses in the fields.'

'I am sorry,' said the officer, 'but I must have them, madam. Those are my orders from my chief.'

'And who is your chief, pray?' she demanded.

'The commander of the American army, General George Washington,' he said proudly.

A smile softened the sterness of the woman's features.

'You go back and tell General George Washington for me,' she said, 'that his mother says he cannot have her horses.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #515

The doctor stood by the bedside, and looked gravely down at the sick man.

'I cannot hide from you the fact that you are very ill,' he said. 'Is there anyone you would like to see?'

'Yes,' said the sufferer faintly.

'Who is it?'

'Another doctor.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #504

Chauncey Depew was the guest of honor at an important banquet. After dinner the toastmaster leaned over to Depew and said:

'Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your speech now?'

Unhelpful Advice

From Readers Digest, March, 2012, taken from Book of All-time Stupidest Top Ten Lists by Kathryn and Ross Petras:

1. 'In case of fire, evacuate the building. Do not use stairways. Do not use elevators.' (Sign in the Federal Reserve Bank building in Boston)

2. 'All you have to (do to protect yourself from nuclear radiation) is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.' (Department of Energy spokesperson)

3. 'Don't Make Luggage Look like a Bomb' (headline from the El Paso Times.

Cloudy, with a chance of Double-Talk

Readers Digest, March, 2012, submitted by George Kreider, on weatherblog.abc7news.com:

When I worked in the Air Force Satellite Control Facility, we held regular briefings for department heads. One time, a young officer concluded the weather briefing with '20 years ago, using manual methods, we could predict the weather only three days in advance. Today, with computers, we can predict the weather 72 hours in advance.'

Loud Child in Aisle Five

From Readers Digest, March, 2012 submitted by Harryl Hollingsworth, Denver CO:

At the supermarket, a rambunctious child stopped moving long enough to stare at my neck brace.

'What happened to her?' he asked his mother.

Seeing a great teaching opportunity, she replied, 'Maybe she wasn't sitting down in her grocery cart!'

Good to know

from Readers Digest, March, 2012 submitted by Tracy Moralee of Hitchin, Great Britain:

I overheard an elderly gentleman tell his friend that he couldn't meet him the next day because he had to go to the hospital for an autopsy. His friend was sympathetic: 'I had one of those last year. Luckily, it wasn't serious.'

Mute Court

Readers Digest, March, 2012, submitted by August Murphy of Pacifica, CA:

I mentioned to an unmarried friend of mine - an attorney - that he should attend a singles mixer for lawyers. He hated the idea.

'Why,' he asked, 'would I want to date someone who's been trained to argue?'

Out of the Fire, into the Fryer

Readers Digest - March, 2012 submitted by Kelly Semb, Sussex, WI:

My first job was at a fine-dining establishment. On the night we ran out of fries, my boss handed me $100 and told me to run to the McDonald's next door and get $100 worth of fries. But when I came back with two huge greasy sacks, my boss looked confused.

'What's this?' she asked.

'The $100 worth of fries you asked for,' I said.

Her eyes narrowed. 'I told you $100 in fives!'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #489

A boy had been annoying the busy blacksmith and the smith finally held a piece of red-hot iron under his nose, hoping to scare him away.

'If you'll give me a half a dollar I'll lick it,' said the boy.

The smith held out the coin. The simple-looking boy took the coin, licked it, dropped it in his pocket and slowly strolled away, whistling as he went.

RIP

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Pokey', died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Get it?

Dyslexics have more nuf!

So Do I

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

Perfection

I am a nobody.

Nobody is Perfect.

Therefore, I am Perfect.

What did you say?

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

Eat more chicken

Red meat is not bad for you;

Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Headline

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"

Where are we?

Heaven is where:
The police are British;
The chefs are Italian;
The mechanics are German;
The lovers are French;
And it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:
The police are German;
The chefs are British;
The mechanics are French;
The lovers are Swiss;
And it is all organized by the Italians.

Kleptomania

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #413

Henry Ward Beecher was buying a horse and the owner was describing the animal:

'This horse is perfectly sound,' he said. 'He can go any gait - walk, pace, trot or gallop. He will stand without hitching and work any place you put him - on the off side or the near side - buggy, plow or wagon. He is perfectly gentle, though full of spirit; goes when you want him to and stops when you say 'Whoa'. He has no bad traits; will neither bite nor kick; comes when you call him and does not run off when he sees anything strange.'

Beecher looked admiringly at the animal and said wistfully, 'Ah, I wish that horse were a member of my church.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #378

A toastmaster drew blood when he introduced the very homely speaker.

'The next man who will address you has been accused of being two-faced. The accusation is unfounded. If he were a two-faced man, he would wear the other one.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #350

'We got a remarkable brand o' pigs down our way,' the Ozark hillbilly said. 'Razorbacks, we call 'em. One day one of 'em found three or four sticks a dynamite an' et 'em. A mean mule come along an' kicked the pig agin the barn. The dynamite went off, the barn blowed up, pieces o' the mule came down all over the country, an' windows broken in houses for ten miles around. And let me tell you, fer a coupla days we had a mighty sick pig on our hands.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #345

A cowboy who had spent his life on the range fell in love with the pretty waitress at the railroad hash house and in due course they were married. They started out on horseback for the ranch house. Four days later the cowboy reappeared in town alone.

'How are you and your wife getting along, Bill?' an acquaintance asked.

'Had a little bad luck,' Bill said. 'Two day out she broke her leg and I had to shoot her.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #330

In Washington, these days, they are telling of a visitor who, in the course of a sightseeing tour was bundled into an elevator, and whisked to the top of Washington Monument.

She looked about, bubbling ecstatically, 'Oh, this is marvelous! Why I can see all of the points of interest. There's the Capitol, the White House ... and the Lincoln Memorial, but - but - where's the Washington Monument?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #301

A visiting minister denounced horse racing in a town famous for the sport. One of the principal patrons of the track, a wealthy citizen with sporting proclivities, always attended that church. The minister was informed of this after the sermon and determined to make amends to the sportsman who was a generous contributor to the church.

'I'm afraid I touched one of your weaknesses,' said the clergyman, 'but it was quite unintentional, I assure you.'

'Oh, that's all right,' siad the sportsman genially. 'It's a mighty poor sermon that don't hit me somewhere.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #300

An excited gent hurried into the country editor's office and exclaimed, 'That notice of my death in your paper today is a lie, sir, a lie. I'll horsewhip you in public, sir, if you don't apologize in your next issue.'

The next issue of the paper contained the following announcement:

'We regret to announce that the paragraph in our last issue which stated that Colonel Bumble is dead is not true.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #298

This story is told of two London cabmen who had an argument and were glaring fiercely at each other.

'Aw, wot's the matter with you?' said one.

'Nothin's the matter with me,' said the other.

'You gave me a narsty look.'

'Me? Ha ha! Well, you certainly have a narsty look, but I never give it to you.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #296

The dentist asked his new patient if he had been anywhere else before coming to see him.

'Only to the village druggist,' said the patient.

'And what idiotic advice did he give you?' asked the dentist with the professional man's usual contempt for the layman.

'Why, he told me to come and see you,' said the patient innocently.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #291

The English have many quaint customs, and this story concerns the quaintest I ever heard of. A man dined one day at a country inn, and the landlord asked how he had liked his meal.

'I have dined as well as any man in England,' he said.

'Except the mayor,' said the landlord.

'I except no one,' said the diner.

'But you must,' the host insisted.

They quarreled, and the diner was haled before the mayor who told him it was the custom of that town always to 'except the mayor' and fined him for not conforming. The man paid his fine and was leaving when he remarked:

'To my mind that landlord is the biggest fool in England - except the mayor.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #290

That old saying, 'If you don't know, ask' is all right, I suppose, but sometimes the information gleaned is not particularly helpful. I recall one case in particular of a minister, called in an emergency to preach a funeral sermon. The dear departed was a complete stranger, and after the service was well under way, the preacher realized to his horror that he had even neglected to inquire as to the sex of the corpse. The name, unfortunately, was one of those trick cognomens that yielded no help, and the meager notes were not enlightening.

In a cold sweat, the minister proceeded as diplomatically as possible, trying to avoid an incriminating declaration. But finally he came to a point where he simply had to know. So while the choir sang, he beckoned a nearby mourner, pointed to the casket, and whispered hoarsely, 'Brother or sister?'

The mourner answered, 'Cousin!'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #289

The younger Mrs. Theodore Roosevelt had been away from home for several days. Came word one morning that she would arrive upon a certain afternoon train. Dutifully, Colonel Ted got out the family bus and departed for the station. Just as he rounded the corner, there came a warning whistle, and he rolled up to the station in time to see the train whiz by at forty miles an hour. On the rear platform, he beheld his wife waving frantically. Even as he looked, he saw her throw an important looking envelope in his general direction. The aim was not very accurate, however, and the envelope lodged in a thick and thorn-infested hedge. Heroically, the Colonel went after it, and at the cost of a few assorted scratches, rescued the missive. It read:

'Dear Ted: This train doesn't stop here.'

How to tell you are in a redneck church.

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. When the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'it ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of'.

6. The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. People think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling' washtub.

10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.

15 'Thou shalt not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. The final words of the benediction are 'Y'all come back now, Ya hear'.

Lawn Mowing Idea

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #276

James, a cautious young man who liked everything to be plainly understood, was engaged to marry a girl in a nearby city. Came the wedding day and the time for the ceremony but no James. The bride was frantic when she received this telegram:

'Dear Helen, missed early train. Will arrive 4:30. Don't marry till I come. James.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #273

A great bore was telling some friends about his trip to Switzerland.

'There I stood, gentlemen,' he said, 'a great abyss yawning before me.'

'Pardon me,' said one of his listeners, 'but was that abyss yawning before you got there?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #259

After General Pershing had had some of his teeth removed at a Washington doctor's office, he heard that his teeth were being sold in souvenir stores for $7.50 a tooth. 'Famous General's teeth!' Pershing, mad as anything, sent three aides out to buy up all they could lay hands on, intent on keeping his molars and bicuspids out of the grasp of a morbidly patriotic public. The aides scurried all over town. Toward evening they came back with 175 teeth.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #244

Professor Einstein's secretary was so burdened with inquiries as to the meaning of 'relativity' that the professor decided to help her out. He told her to answer these inquiries as follows: 'When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute, but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it's two hours. That's relativity.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #238

Proving that our customs are as strange to others as theirs are to us:

Wong, a Chinese servant, asked his master for permission to attend the funeral of another Chinese.

'All right,' said the master, 'I suppose you'll put some food on the grave as the Chinese usually do.'

'Yes, sir,' Wong answered.

'Look here, Wong, when do you think your friend will eat that food?'

'As soon, sir, as the friend you buried last week will smell the flowers you put on his grave,' was the answer.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #227

An American in Paris was lamenting being separated from his family which consisted of two young daughters. Turning to an Australian he had met he asked if he had any family.

'Yes, I have a wife and six children in Australia, and I never saw one of them.'

The American was stunned for a moment and then asked, 'Were you ever blind?'

'No.'

'Did you marry a widow?'

'No.'

There was silence again, then:
'Did I understand you to say you had a wife and six children living in Australia and had never seen one of them?'

'Yes.'

'But I simply don't understand. How can that be?'

'Because,' was the reply, 'one of them was born after I left.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #224

The speaker at the banquet had gone on for what seemed like days. Finally, one suffering auditor had enough and slipped out. Just outside the door he mat another member of the audience who had preceded him.

'Has he finished yet?' he asked.

'Yes,' said the man who had just escaped, 'long ago; but he won't stop.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #206

'The increasing divorce rate is rapidly making America the land of the free, all right,' a visiting Englishman said to an American friend.

'Yes,' said the American, a somewhat henpecked husband, 'but the marriage rate is increasing too, showing that America is still the home of the brave.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #170

'William,' said the Sunday School teacher, 'can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness for sin?'

'Yes, sir,' replied the boy. 'We must sin.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #164

Two deer hunters came out of the woods and met.

'Are all of the other boys out of the woods, Bill?' asked one.

'Yeah.'

'All six of 'em?'

'Yeah.'

'And are they all safe?'

'Yeah; whats this all about anyhow?'

'Why,' said the first hunter, throwing out his chest, 'then I've shot a deer.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #161

The owner of a movie house had just taken out a fire insurance policy. As he signed his name to the document, he turned to the insurance agent and asked, 'Now if my theatre was to burn down tonight, what would I get?'

'Oh, about ten years I imagine,' the insurance agent replied.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #160

One of the questions on the examination of police candidates read, 'What are rabies and what do you do about it?'

Joe O'Neill's answer was, 'Rabies are Jewish priests and you can't do anything about it.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #156

Pat was taking his first airplane ride. They were up about 5,000 feet when the pilot sent the ship into a nose dive; it was headed straight for the city below. Pulling out of the dive, the pilot turned to Pat and laughed:

'I bet fifty per cent of those people down there thought we were falling,' he said.

'Yes,' said Pat, ' and I'll bet fifty per cent of the people up here thought so too.'

(been there; done that)

The Laughter Library published 1936 #155

Proving that if Mark Twain had lived today he might have been a great advertising salesman:

A subscriber to a paper which Twain edited wrote to him saying that he had found a spider in the folds of the paper and wished to know whether this was good or bad luck.

Twain replied: 'Finding a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking for over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that he can go to that store, spin his web across the door, and live a life of undisturbed peace afterward.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #152

The American institute of the banquet has been described by a well-known after-dinner speaker as 'an affair where a speaker first eats a lot of food he doesn't want and then proceeds to talk about something he doesn't understand to a lot of people who don't want to hear him.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #142

The local reporter was interviewing the grandfather of a Hollywood star.

'Does Bill ever come back to the old farm since he's such a big-shot in the movies?' he asked.

'Every summer,' said the old man proudly. 'Every one of the five summers he's been away.'

'And did he bring his wife with him?'

'Every time,' replied Grandpa, 'and they was five as purty girls as you ever laid eyes on.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #140

After the following episode a certain lawyer decided never to try irony on a jury again. He was prosecuting a man who had been caught redhanded on the roof of a house, obviously a guilty burglar, and wound up his speech to the jury as follows:

'If you consider, gentlemen, that the accused was on the roof for the purpose of enjoying the midnight breeze and by pure accident happended to have about him the necessary tools of a house-breaker, with no dishonest intention of employing them, you will, of course, acquit him.'

And the jury did.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #138

John Barrymore, the story goes, visited a haberdashery in Hollywood, selected a number of things, ordered them sent out, and started to leave.

'And your name?' asked the clerk.

'Barrymore,' was the cold reply.

'Which Barrymore, please?'

John looked at the fellow disdainfully. 'Ethel' he barked.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #134

Having, one afternoon, left his machine near his hotel in a suburb of Los Angeles, a traveler came back several hours later and found it covered with tags citing a variety of offenses. It had been left there more than two hours, the lights hadn't been turned on after dark, it was parked less than 20 feet from a fire hydrant, and so on. Hastily estimating the impending fines, he concluded it would be a pretty economy to report his car as lost and this he did; the police took down all the data and advised him not to worry. He did, though, naturally; and he also suffered considerable embarrassment, because several times a day for a week, every time he went in or out of his hotel he had to pass his car sitting there forlornly with all the tags on it. It took police that long to find it.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #132

A European traveler entered the train at Lyons and tipped the guard to put him off at Dijon.

'I'm a very heavy sleeper,' he said, 'and you must take no notice of my protests. Just grab me and shove me off on the platform.'

He went to sleep and when he awoke the train was getting into Paris. Furious, he went after the guard and told him what he thought of him in no uncertain terms.

'Ah,' said the guard calmly, 'you have a bit of temper, but it's nothing compared to the chap I put out of the train at Dijon.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #129

'Dearest,' said the new husband to his bride, 'do you really think I'll prove a satisfactory mate?'

'Oh, you'll do for a mate all right,' answered his precious girl. 'Now look me over and tell me what you think of your captain.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #126

A new and good Scotch story is somewhat rarer than a day in June. This one was new to me:

A Scotch traveling salesman, held up in one of the Channel Islands by a bad storm wired his firm in Aberdeen, 'Marooned by storm. Wire instructions.'

The answer said, 'Start summer vacation as from yesterday.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #111

During the Prohibition days a speaker referred to the difficulty of enforcing the law because so many citizens refused to take it seriously.

"They are like the chap whose cellar was searched by enforcement officers the other day." he said.

"An officer said to him, 'There are hundreds of empty whisky bottles in your cellar. How did they get there?'

"'Blest if I know,' said the owner of the cellar and laughed. 'I never bought an empty whisky bottle in my life'."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #98

Mark Twain once debated polygamy with a Mormon. The Mormon claimed polygamy was perfectly moral and defied Mark to cite any passage of Scripture which forbade it.

'Well,' said Twain, 'how about that passage that tells us no man can serve two masters?'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #65

'In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life?' asked the teacher of the quiet boy who had not had a question.

'Dead' was the calm reply.

The Laughter Library published 1936 #64

'Mention 12 animals of the polar region' the examination paper read. The desparing student wrote 'Six seals and six bears.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #28

A young man, known more widely for his athletic prowess than for his ability to grasp the fundamentals of a college education, had transferred from one university football team to another, after having made a very poor scholastic record.

A professor from the second school was jibing his friend who taught at the first school about their respective requirements.

"We figured that if you required the average student to make a grade of 75, it was only fair to pass Bill on a grade of 50. So we gave him a special examination. Well the average student is asked ten questions so we decided it was fair to ask Bill two questions."

"First I asked him what was the color of blue vitriol acid and he said 'pink' and that was wrong. Next, I asked him if he knew how to make sulphuric acid and he said 'No,' and that was right, so I passed him."

The Laughter Library published 1936 #27

A very up-to-date young minister was explaining to one of his less modish parishoners that an American version of the Bible had been printed, and was in fact quite interesting.

'Well, sir, if you don't mind, I won't be making any changes. If King James' version was good enough for St. Paul it's good enough for me.'

The Laughter Library published 1936 #24

A woman had been collecting benefits on her health insurance policy for some time. Finally a company examiner called on her, and after an extended examination said:

'Madam, it is quite evident that your neuritis is caused by your teeth, and they will have to come out. Let me see them, please.'

'All right, doctor,' she replied. 'Hold out your hand.'